Chapter 9 of My Attempt at a Novel

Chapter 9: I’m Running out of Plot Ideas, so This Chapter Probably Will Not Make Much Sense at All
Graham Lorimer: (right upon exiting the plane) Oh, guys, we are gonna have to go back to Canada, I left my hat perched on the Canadian Cross Breeding Pets Pregnancy Help Clinic’s Receptionist’s desk. I did not have the proper amount of time to take it with me, since, as you all certainly must have at least the slightest memory of, the Canadian Communists tried to kill all of us, but we had a stroke of luck and got in to the private plane in time.
Flushing Shea: We are going back to Canada?
Broadway Lorimer: Yep, and we can sing American Pie along the way.
(They enter the plane. Lots of plane related stuff happens, and the plane takes off.)
Broadway Lorimer: Okay, Flushing Shea, it is sing a long time! We will, for a second time, be singing American Pie by Don Mc Lean.
Broadway Lorimer and Flushing Shea: (singing, in unison)
A long, long time ago...
I can still remember
How that music used to make me smile.
And I knew if I had my chance
That I could make those people dance
And, maybe, they’d be happy for a while.

But february made me shiver
With every paper I’d deliver.
Bad news on the doorstep;
I couldn’t take one more step.

I can’t remember if I cried
When I read about his widowed bride,
But something touched me deep inside
The day the music died.

So bye-bye, miss american pie.
Drove my chevy to the levee,
But the levee was dry.
And them good old boys were drinkin’ whiskey and rye
Singin’, "this’ll be the day that I die.
"this’ll be the day that I die."

Did you write the book of love,
And do you have faith in God above,
If the Bible tells you so?
Do you believe in rock ’n roll,
Can music save your mortal soul,
And can you teach me how to dance real slow?

Well, I know that you’re in love with him
`cause I saw you dancin’ in the gym.
You both kicked off your shoes.
Man, I dig those rhythm and blues.

I was a lonely teenage broncin’ buck
With a pink carnation and a pickup truck,
But I knew I was out of luck
The day the music died.

I started singin’,
"bye-bye, miss american pie."
Drove my chevy to the levee,
But the levee was dry.
Them good old boys were drinkin’ whiskey and rye
And singin’, "this’ll be the day that I die.
"this’ll be the day that I die."

Now for ten years we’ve been on our own
And moss grows fat on a rollin’ stone,
But that’s not how it used to be.
When the jester sang for the king and queen,
In a coat he borrowed from james dean
And a voice that came from you and me,

Oh, and while the king was looking down,
The jester stole his thorny crown.
The courtroom was adjourned;
No verdict was returned.
And while lennon read a book of marx,
The quartet practiced in the park,
And we sang dirges in the dark
The day the music died.

We were singing,
"bye-bye, miss american pie."
Drove my chevy to the levee,
But the levee was dry.
Them good old boys were drinkin’ whiskey and rye
And singin’, "this’ll be the day that I die.
"this’ll be the day that I die."

Helter skelter in a summer swelter.
The birds flew off with a fallout shelter,
Eight miles high and falling fast.
It landed foul on the grass.
The players tried for a forward pass,
With the jester on the sidelines in a cast.

Now the half-time air was sweet perfume
While the sergeants played a marching tune.
We all got up to dance,
Oh, but we never got the chance!
`cause the players tried to take the field;
The marching band refused to yield.
Do you recall what was revealed
The day the music died?

We started singing,
"bye-bye, miss american pie."
Drove my chevy to the levee,
But the levee was dry.
Them good old boys were drinkin’ whiskey and rye
And singin’, "this’ll be the day that I die.
"this’ll be the day that I die."

Oh, and there we were all in one place,
A generation lost in space
With no time left to start again.
So come on: jack be nimble, jack be quick!
Jack flash sat on a candlestick
Cause fire is the devil’s only friend.

Oh, and as I watched him on the stage
My hands were clenched in fists of rage.
No angel born in hell
Could break that satan’s spell.
And as the flames climbed high into the night
To light the sacrificial rite,
I saw satan laughing with delight
The day the music died

He was singing,
"bye-bye, miss american pie."
Drove my chevy to the levee,
But the levee was dry.
Them good old boys were drinkin’ whiskey and rye
And singin’, "this’ll be the day that I die.
"this’ll be the day that I die."

I met a girl who sang the blues
And I asked her for some happy news,
But she just smiled and turned away.
I went down to the sacred store
Where I’d heard the music years before,
But the man there said the music wouldn’t play.

And in the streets: the children screamed,
The lovers cried, and the poets dreamed.
But not a word was spoken;
The church bells all were broken.
And the three men I admire most:
The father, son, and the holy ghost,
They caught the last train for the coast
The day the music died.

And they were singing,
"bye-bye, miss american pie."
Drove my chevy to the levee,
But the levee was dry.
And them good old boys were drinkin’ whiskey and rye
Singin’, "this’ll be the day that I die.
"this’ll be the day that I die."

They were singing,
"bye-bye, miss american pie."
Drove my chevy to the levee,
But the levee was dry.
Them good old boys were drinkin’ whiskey and rye
Singin’, "this’ll be the day that I die."

Broadway Lorimer:I love sing a longs!
Flushing Shea:So do I!
Broadway Lorimer: Shall we partake in another song?
Flushing Shea: Broadway Lorimer, we have sang a long many very long songs for a long amount of time, can we do some other sort of activity?
Broadway Lorimer:Do you want to analyze the lyrics to American Pie.
Flushing Shea: Not a chance, Broadway Lorimer! If you happened to have known me for more than a four hour long period of time, you would realize that I like to play kickball.
Broadway Lorimer: Flushing Shea, do you want to go into the anti gravity room of this private plane and play some good old fashioned anti gravity private plane kickball? It would be a very fun game that we could play.
Flushing Shea: I would be practically over joyed to participate in this thing you call “good old fashioned anti gravity private plane kickball”. It sounds like a blast to play. I assume that you or I will designate the area of first base, the area of second base, the area of third base,and the area of the plate which we tend to call “home plate”. I also assume that the rules which apply to this game which you and I have previously agreed upon to call “good old fashioned anti gravity private plane kickball” are similar to or exactly the same as the rules which apply to “good old fashioned gravity kickball”. If I made this assumption, would I be making an assumption which happens to be a truthful assumption, or an assumption which happens to be a falsefied assumption?
Broadway Lorimer: Flushing Shea, if you happened to make the assumption which you mentioned in your previous semi long speech just now, then you would be making an assumption which would happen to be a correct and true assumption. The rules of good old fashioned anti gravity private plane kickball are actually exactly the same as the rules of good old fashioned gravity kickball.
End of Chapter 9
Chapter Nine Footnotes: Yes, I know, I still have chosen not to mention Flushing Lorimer what so ever. As I told you in the Chapter Eight Footnotes, Flushing Lorimer is at his friend’s house playing the new Pokemon video game (But really: do they still make these video games?). Maybe Flushing Lorimer will appear in the book when you buy some Mr. Pibb! Well, I think they call it Pibb XTRA now, so then I guess you should buy some Pibb XTRA. And you should really buy Cheesy Tots from Burger King. They are just awesome. They are like hash browns with cheese inside. Oh, my editor tells me to stop rambling on during these footnotes. But seriously, I have yet to have tried Mr. Pibb, eh, Pibb XTRA, and eat delicious Burger King Cheesy Tots at the same time, but that should not stop you from trying Pibb XTRA and Delicious Burger King Cheesy Tots at the same time.