Chapter 1 of My Attempt at a Novel

I'm going to be posting a novel I tried to write a couple of years back. Keep in mind, I was like 11, so it's not particularly good...


The Strange, Insane, Nonsensical, Silly, Confusing, and Completely Messed Up Life of Flushing Shea
Chapter 1: Snake! A Snake! Ooh, It’s a Snake!
Once upon a time- a long long time ago- actually, not that long ago, but long enough that you wouldn’t remember some obvious facts about the year. How about we go ahead and make the year 2003? Sounds good. Really good. So once upon a 2003, there was a kid named Flushing Shea. In case you are wondering how old he is, Flushing Shea is 12
years old. So once upon a 2003, there was a twelve year old kid named Flushing Shea. Flushing Shea was walking down a very crowded and very busy Manhattan street as he passed by a beauty salon where it appeared two women were arguing. One of the two women punched the other, and then Flushing Shea ran inside to break up the fighting and violence before anyone got seriously injured. As Flushing was inside of the beauty salon, his fellow friends, who were also his classmates, laughed histerically at the fact that their friend, who was a boy, was inside of a beauty salon for seemingly no reason at all. The two friends snapped a quick and easy picture on their cell phones. Flushing Shea, now full of shame, exited through the back of the beauty salon, hopped a few fences, and then finally got to his house- which may have been the only actual house in all of Manhattan. As he attempted to enter through the big door at the front of his house, Flushing Shea realized that not a soul was inside of his house. He pulled a key from his pocket and swiftly unlocked the front door and entered the house- the only one in Manhattan, as I previously mentioned. Flushing walked through the intricate front door to his house and entered his hallway. Once inside the palatial hallway of his mansion of a house, Flushing Shea took a stroll into his futuristic kitchen, filled with machinery unrecgonizeable to the common Manhattanite and also unrecognizeable to the majority of people on this planet that we call Earth. Flushing proceeded to open his stainless steel Kenmore fridge- which his parents had just bought a month or two ago from a Kenmore appliance dealership in Brooklyn- and saw snakes- Pacific Diamondback Rattlesnakes to be exact. Flushing Shea had learned in his science class that the Pacific Diamondback Rattlesnakes could be deadly and that Pacific Diamondbacks Rattlesnakes were found plentifully in appliances- since electricity is well known to be truly made from Pacific Diamondback Rattlesnake eggs, and not by some old dude who was so dumb and decided to fly a kite with his house keys attached to it during a thunderstorm. Flushing Shea also was told in Science class that the Pacific Diamondback Rattlesnakes were venomous and was given the phone number of The Borough of Manhattan’s Pacific Diamondback Rattlesnakes in Refrigerators and Other Kitchen Appliances Prevention, Extermination, and Relocation Task Force Crew (or TBOMPDRIRAOKAPEARTFC, but no one could pronounce that) which was 1234567890 (Don’t laugh. They paid 8.7 million dollars on an eBay auction to get that number for their organization). Flushing Shea grabbed hold of the Pacific Diamondback Rattlesnake by its slimy neck and shoved it into a shopping bag. He called the number of TBOMPDRIRAOKAPEARTFC and reported the situation of a venomous and almost fully grown Pacific Diamondback Rattlesnake being found by Flushing right inside of his brand new Kenmore fridge.
Flushing: Hello, my name is Flushing Shea and I called you guys to report a Pacific Diamondback Rattlesnake related emergency.
Freeman Simpson(The Phone Line’s Operator): Hi, my name is Freeman Simpson, what is your emergency today?
Flushing: Uh, um, I just came home after taking a walk around the neighborhood and no one was here. I think my parents are out at work. When I came into the house, I decided to get a snack. I went to the fridge to get Colby Jack cheese, Vitamin water, and Peanut Butter- which I planned to shove between two hot dog buns- It was the sandwich I invented- I call it the VitaJackButter on Two Hot Dogs Rolls Sandwich. I eat it all the-
Freeman Simpson: Stop talking about the sandwich for God’s sake! Where did the Pacific Diamondback Rattlesnake come into the picture? Was it in the peanut butter or the Vitamin Water or the Colby Jack cheese?
Flushing: (under his breath) Boy, are you retarted.
Freeman: What did you just say to me?
Flushing: Nothing. Why, did you think I called you retarted? Well I didn’t. I know how to respect my elders. I guess you, sir, do not know how to trust your children.
Freeman: Okay, I’m sorry for not trusting you, Flushing, but can you tell me when and where you saw the Pacific Diamondback Rattlesnake? Can you please tell me? Pretty please? Pretty please with a cherry on top?
Flushing: Well, I guess that’s why I called your hotline. OK, I was going to get the peanut butter, but as I grabbed the jar-
Freeman: Then the Pacfic Diamondback Rattlesnake jumped out of the peanut butter, right?
Flushing: (sarcastically) Yes, the Pacific Diamondback Rattlesnake clearly jumped out of the jar of peanut butter and right into my eyes.
Freeman: I knew it! I always guess these things correctly! That always makes me wonder why Harvard didn’t accept me. Harvard’s that school with all the psychics and stuff like that right? But still, in your face! I guessed your predicament!
Flushing: The Pacific Diamondback Rattlesnake wasn’t in the peanut butter jar!
Freeman: But you said-
Flushing: I was being sarcastic! I found the Pacific Diamondback Rattlesnake when I opened the fridge. It was on top of a 6-pack of Bud Light.
Freeman: Why did you get the snake drunk?
Flushing: The Pacific Diamondback Rattlesnake that I found on top of the Bud Light did not drink the Bud Light which it was on top of!
Freeman: Oh. I get it now.
Flushing: Thank God.
Freeman: OK, so I will send a Pacific Diamondback Rattlesnake Extermination Crew right over to your house to kill the Pacific Diamondback Rattlesnake that you stumbled upon. Where should we send the Extermination Crew to?
Flushing: Please don’t kill DeKalb!
Freeman: Who’s DeKalb?
Flushing: DeKalb is the Pacific Diamondback Rattlesnake’s name. I named it.
Freeman: OK, if you are keeping this snake, we need to check on it once a week. Don’t ever let it leave your house. Understand?
Flushing: Why can’t DeKalb go outside? Snakes love the outside!
Freeman: If DeKalb leaves into the open world, he could cross breed with other animals, and might end up creating some sort of mutated squirrel with 5 legs or a dog that shoots lazer beams out of its mouth.
Flushing: Freeman, that doesn’t make any sense.
Freeman: Don’t call me by my first name! You should learn to respect your elders!
Flushing: Freeman, you’re not making any sense.
Flushing preceeded to hang up the phone, not realizing why Freeman kept telling him to respect his elders. “Oh, I know now. It must have something to do with the Da Vinci Code.” said Flushing Shea, “Family Guy does an amazing job making up these fake books to have the characters read in the show. I remember Lois read the book during the 4th season episode Peter’s Got Woods. James Woods also guest starred in that episode. At least I think he did. Maybe I should stop all this rambling, it must make for an awfully boring novel. Thank God I’m not writing this novel. On another note, I really really really have to pee- really bad.” Flushing then darted upstairs to his favorite of the 64 bathrooms in his mansion, opened the door with one swift motion, and then went in. No, I am not describing him peeing. That’s just disgusting. This isn’t a “gross out” novel, this is a humorous novel, and I plan to keep it that way. If you want a gross out novel, then just write it. Flushing then exited the bathroom, prompting me to dart out of his house so he didn’t notice me in his house. Flushing then went into his bedroom- which was 5,000 square feet in area- with DeKalb and proceeded to grab his iPod Touch and his brand new Leather Memory Foam Massaging Pillow. He put his solid gold iPod Touch earbuds into his ears and turned the pillow onto his specific head massaging preference and laid upon it. As he dozed off he set his iPod Touch onto “Shuffle Mode”, where the songs in his playlist (17,856 to be exact) were randomly shuffled and played in that random order. As he dozed off, the song he heard was Joy to the World by Three Dog Night. Flushing walked into his house with DeKalb by his side. Flushing and DeKalb trudged through the snow and past some Christmas carolers. It was Christmas time in Manhattan. The carolers started singing “Joy to the world, all the boys and girls,” as their voices started to become quieter and quieter, eventually fading to silence. “What’s going on?” inquired Flushing Shea. “I think you fell asleep,” stated DeKalb, with an authentic British accent. As Flushing woke up, the song switched. The iPod Touch was at maximum volume. The song that came on after Joy to the World was none other than Move Along by The All American Rejects. Since Move Along is obviously a really loud song, Flushing jumped up in a state of shock, with both of his eyes open as wide as possible. He quickly grabbed the iPod touch from his side and frantically rotated the dial in a counter clockwise direction, successfully lowering the volume. Flushing Shea decided to stop listening to his iPod Touch, after being so horribly frightened by its loudness. Flushing Shea went down to the front hallway with DeKalb in his bag. Flushing then opened his gargantuan front door and exited. He then saw a family move into the house next door to him (Yes, I know there is a continuity error there. Well, I’m breaking the fourth wall. That is even worse.). The family moving in next door was the Lorimers. Nassau Lorimer, age 38, was the mother of the Lorimer family. She worked as an investment agent at JP Morgan Chase Bank on East 84th Street. Graham Lorimer, also age 38, was the father of the Lorimer family. He worked as a television news anchor for ABC News. Flushing Lorimer, age 8, was the stereotypical “annoying little brother”. He went to the Manhattan School for Famous or Wealthy Children, an obviously very prestigous school, along with his sister, Broadway Lorimer, age 13, who was one of the people who would fade into the background sometimes but would randomly pop up in places and times when you least expect it. The last living thing to come out of the moving truck was a dog. “Her name is Jefferson,” said Broadway Lorimer, pointing at the dog. “His name is DeKalb,” responded Flushing Shea, signaling towards his Pacific Diamondback Rattlesnake.