Chapter 3 of My Attempt at a Novel

Chapter 3: We’re on A Bridge, Charlie!
Broadway Lorimer: Why is your face suggesting that you are flabbergasted?
Flushing Shea: Because I am flabbergasted at the moment.
Broadway: Why?
Flushing: Because this bridge to Canada appears to be several miles long.
Broadway: Why?
Flushing: Because I am guesstimating.
Broadway: Why?
Flushing: Because I like to use the word guesstimating.
Broadway: Why?
Flushing: Because it is a portmanteau of the words “guess” and “estimating”.
Broadway: Why?
Flushing: Because those words are clearly visible in the aforementioned portmanteau.
Broadway: Why?
Flushing: Stop asking why you moron!
Broadway: You’re a moron!
Flushing: No, you are!
Broadway: No, you are!
Flushing: No, you are!
Broadway: No! You-
Graham Lorimer: You both are morons!
Flushing: Graham Lorimer!
Graham Lorimer: That’s me!
Broadway Lorimer: Dad, what are you doing here?
Graham Lorimer: I came to drive you across the bridge. I once was a NASCAR driver.
Flushing Shea: Wow, your dad is really awesome.
Broadway Lorimer: Wait, did you see my mom yet?
Flushing Shea: No.
(Nassau Lorimer suddenly flies up to the bridge)
Nassau Lorimer: I heard someone say my name!
Broadway Lorimer: It’s nothing Mom. I was just telling my friend Flushing Shea how mega cool you are.
Nassau Lorimer: Thanks for advertising my coolness, Broadway.
(Nassau Lorimer flies back down to the driveway)
Flushing Shea: Broadway, I have one question: Is Broadway your real name?
Broadway Lorimer: Yeah. It was named after the subway station where I was born.
Flushing Shea: Wow, that is really interesting. I’m named after a subway station. And this guy who works on this phone line with a long winded title that I just spoke to a couple of hours ago also is named after two consecutive subway stations.
Graham Lorimer: Stop the chatter, kids! It’s time to drive to Canada NASCAR style!
(Graham Lorimer’s NASCAR car breaks down once it turns on.)
Graham Lorimer: I’ll go get the airplane, children. Keep control of yourselves until I am back.
Broadway Lorimer: Okay, Dad. Hurry back.
(Graham gets the plane.)
10 minutes later…
Graham Lorimer: Okay kids , are we ready to go on an airplane adventure to a cross breeding pregnancy help clinic in Canada.
Everyone in Unison: Yeah! Canada! Canada! Canada!
Graham Lorimer: Flushing, there was one thing that I needed to tell you.
Flushing Shea: Well, what would that be?
Graham Lorimer: You can’t bring snakes on this plane.
Flushing Shea: Why can’t I bring DeKalb, my snake, on your plane?
Graham Lorimer: Because I wet my pants when I watched the movie Snakes on a Plane!
Flushing Shea: Okay, this is getting kind of awkward.
Graham Lorimer: Yeah, I agree with you, Flushing.
Flushing Shea: So can I just keep DeKalb in the cargo area of the airplane which belongs to your family? Feel free to say no, it’s your airplane, so you get to choose which, if any, slimy invertabrates get to travel along with you guys.
Graham Lorimer: Yeah, you can just put him in the cargo area. The flight’s only 5 minutes or so.
(The group enters the plane)
Graham Lorimer: Hello, this is your captain speaking. I have to warn all passengers on this Flight- Flight 1- nonstop from the Lorimer residence to a cross breeding pregnancy help clinic in Canada- we happen to have a Pacific Diamondback Rattlesnake aboard today on this flight- and we thought you should know- since you guys are the reason that Lorimer Airlines is still in business. I mean, remember all of those insider trading controversies in the 80s? And remember that year when we served our passengers cat food on the airline and they never noticed? What was that? 1999? Remember when we left that whole flight and its passengers on the tarmac for 67 days in 2005 and then all of the company got arrested except for me? And remember-
Broadway Lorimer- Dad, just fly the gosh darn plane!
Graham Lorimer- I will gladly fly the gosh darn plane, because here at Lorimer Airlines, customers are our greatest priority.
Broadway Lorimer- Okay, fly the plane then.
Graham Lorimer: Gladly. Flight attendants prepare for takeoff.
Broadway Lorimer: There’s no flight attendants! This is a private plane!
Graham Lorimer: Fine. The seatbelts light is on, and that is the signal for all passengers to put on their seatbelts. We will be taking off shortly.
Flushing Shea: Okay, now let’s go to Canada!
Broadway Lorimer: Canada!
Graham Lorimer: Canada!
DeKalb: Hiss! (Loosely Translated: Canada!)
Jefferson: Arf! Arf! (Loosely Translated: Canada!)
So they went to Canada. Woopie! Keep reading through the next chapter if you want to know whether Graham, Broadway, Flushing, DeKalb, and Jefferson get to the cross breeding pregnancies help clinic or whether something totally retarded and unexpected happens. I mean, this is a humorous novel, so I can throw in some really, really retarded curveballs and cliffhangers whenever I choose to. I am also the author of this novel. How about you try to write a 50,000 word novel in November! I dare you to! Maybe I am just having this long fourth wall breaking monologue so I can reach fifty thousand words easier. Nah, if I was doing that, I would be talking about Mr. Pibb. Actually, Mr. Pibb is really good. I should work that into the next chapter, which would be Chapter 4, dummy. OK, now I know the title of Chapter 4! Woopie! Okay, it’s Chapter 4 Title Time! Maybe I will decide to break the fourth wall again in the fourth chapter by having another one of my world famous fourth wall breaking monologues with my readers. But seriously, before I reveal the title of the next chapter, get yourself some Mr. Pibb. You seriously need to buy Mr. Pibb. I’ll wait. Okay, go ahead and buy it! Tell them Mike sent you! Maybe I’ll get money if you tell them that. Money which I could use to buy more Mr. Pibb. So, to officially end this fourth wall breaking monologue (my first of many fourth wall breaking monologues), the official title of the fourth chapter of this novel is…