Chapter 10: It’s Chapter 10, Do you Know where your children are?
Flushing Shea and Broadway Lorimer played a great game of good old fashioned anti gravity private plane kickball, with Flushing Shea winning with a walk off home run in the bottom of the 9th inning of the game they were playing, with a runner of the first base, a runner on the second base, and a runner on the third base. (If I was not stretching for words, I would just say that he hit a walk off grand slam, but I am stretching for words.) After that amazing and fun game of good old fashioned anti gravity private plane kickball, Flushing got some odd hunger pangs in his stomach.
Flushing Shea: Uh, Broadway Lorimer.
Broadway Lorimer: What do you need right now, Flushing Shea?
Flushing Shea: I just got hungry for a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with ham and skittles on top double fried, covered with mustard, and then served with a deep fried snickers bar.
Broadway Lorimer: I guess I will call over the Kitchen Bot 5000. (To Kitchen Bot 5000) Kitchen Bot 5000!
Kitchen Bot 5000: (In an obviously robotic and artificial voice) What would you like to eat today, Broadway Lorimer.
Broadway Lorimer: I would like a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with ham and Skittles on top double fried, then covered in mustard, and then served with a deep fried snickers bar.
Kitchen Bot 5000: I would gladly make that sandwich for you.
(Kitchen Bot 5000 shakes a little bit, then out of a drawer on the Kitchen Bot 5000 comes Flushing’s previously described sandwich.)
Flushing Shea: Wow, Kitchen Bot 5000, you are the best and coolest robot ever. Thank you for making me my sandwich.
Kitchen Bot 5000: You are welcomed for the sandwich. Since I gave you your sandwich, can you teach me how to love?
Flushing Shea: Nope, sorry, I do not give robot emotion classes.
Broadway Lorimer: (motioning with her hand towards the Kitchen Bot 5000) Okay, buddy, it is time to go back in to the closet again. We will use you again in a few weeks.
(The Kitchen Bot 5000 walks to the closet, opens the door to the closet, pulls out his oversized box, jumps in to his oversized box, and then calls Broadway Lorimer over to him to close the door of the closet. She obliges to Kitchen Bot 5000’s request, and closes the closet for him)
Broadway Lorimer: So, I think we should go back to our seats. The plane should be landing on Communist Canadian soil pretty soon.
Flushing Shea:Yeah, we really should be getting back to our seats. I agree that the plane is about to land on Communist Canadian soil.
Graham Lorimer (the pilot of the private plane): Uh, folks, um, we are, uh, about to, uh, um, land, uh, this, um, private plane and uh, um, uh, I would uh, um, like to, uh, ask for, uh, the, uh, people in the, uh, private, uh plane, to, uh, um, to sit down in their, um, seats, and uh, um, put the, uh, seat belts on so, uh, they do not, um, get, uh, hurt.
(Broadway Lorimer and Flushing Shea complied with no sort of resistance, and left the anti gravity room to enter the main seating area. They sat down in their leather massage chairs and buckled them selves in with their seat belts. As they looked out the window, they saw Canada rapidly approaching.)
Graham Lorimer: Kids, we are back in Communada, and we are back in Communada with a vengeance! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! US-
Broadway Lorimer: Dad, for the love of god, we get it!
Graham Lorimer: Okay, then, uh, I guess I will go ahead and land this plane! WOOP DE DOO WE ARE LANDING THIS PLANE!
(Graham Lorimer lands the private plane and sees Canada, which in a matter of hours has switched from a Communist dictatorship into a democratic nation. Shops are being opened and people are becoming prsoperous.)
Graham Lorimer: But, uh, we have only been gone for a few hours, how has this all happened?
Random Unknown Canadian Guy: Well, Mister Graham Lorimer, you got CANADA’D!
Graham Lorimer: I got what?
Random Unknown Canadian Guy: You got CANADA’D!
Graham Lorimer: What is CANADA’D?
Random Unknown Canadian Guy: CANADA’D is the new Canadian comedy show where we prank unsuspecting tourists into believing preposturous things about our nation.
Graham Lorimer: Wait, so you are not really crazy blood hungry Communists?
Random Unknown Canadian Guy: Nope, we are actually a democratic nation.
Graham Lorimer: And, on a lighter note, who are you Random Unknown Canadian Guy?
Random Unknown Canadian Guy: I happen to be famous Canadian comedian Colin Mochrie!
Graham Lorimer: Colin Mochrie? (To author) Mike, you could have done so much better! I mean- Colin Mochrie? What about Kiefer Sutherland? Or William Shatner? Or even Avril Lavigne! But Colin Mochrie? That is just pathetic! Colin Mochrie? Mike, I am so ashamed of you right now.
Uh, I can turn him into someone cool, I guess.
(I turn Colin Mochrie into William Shatner)
William Shatner: Hi, I am William Shatner.
Graham Lorimer: Thanks, Mike. Now I am significantly less ashamed of you.
No problem, Graham Lorimer.
Graham Lorimer: Hey, William Shatner, do you want to come back to America and live with us?
William Shatner:I guess so. Is your house nice?
Flushing Shea, Graham Lorimer, and Broadway Lorimer (in unison): Well, you have never seen nicer!
End of Chapter- wait, which chapter was it again?
*Mike goes back and looks to see which chapter it was*
Oh yeah, it was chapter 10. OK, so…
End of Chapter Ten.
Chapter Ten Footnotes: Yes, Flushing Lorimer is still playing Pokemon. It is some sort of epic Pokemon war or something like that.He may never finish this epic Pokemon war, at least not in this novel, possibly in the sequel, if I do ever choose to make a sequel to this novel. I probably will make a sequel, it just depends on where the plot goes in this novel. So, anyway, Flushing Lorimer is in an infinite epic Pokemon War, and we might never speak of him again. Wait, you know what, I will write this whole next chapter- Chapter 11- about Flushing Lorimer. That is for all of your patience and your continued drinking of the always so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, a so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so delicious Mr. Pibb (or as the Spanish would say- Senor Pibb). I mean, uh, I think it is called Pibb XTRA now, but still. Drink Pibb- whether it is truly called Mr. Pibb or Pibb XTRA. And also- Eat cranberry sauce. It is so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so,so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so,
I stopped writing after this point. I think it's probably better that I stopped that monstrosity :)
Friday, January 16, 2009
Chapter 9 of My Attempt at a Novel
Chapter 9: I’m Running out of Plot Ideas, so This Chapter Probably Will Not Make Much Sense at All
Graham Lorimer: (right upon exiting the plane) Oh, guys, we are gonna have to go back to Canada, I left my hat perched on the Canadian Cross Breeding Pets Pregnancy Help Clinic’s Receptionist’s desk. I did not have the proper amount of time to take it with me, since, as you all certainly must have at least the slightest memory of, the Canadian Communists tried to kill all of us, but we had a stroke of luck and got in to the private plane in time.
Flushing Shea: We are going back to Canada?
Broadway Lorimer: Yep, and we can sing American Pie along the way.
(They enter the plane. Lots of plane related stuff happens, and the plane takes off.)
Broadway Lorimer: Okay, Flushing Shea, it is sing a long time! We will, for a second time, be singing American Pie by Don Mc Lean.
Broadway Lorimer and Flushing Shea: (singing, in unison)
A long, long time ago...
I can still remember
How that music used to make me smile.
And I knew if I had my chance
That I could make those people dance
And, maybe, they’d be happy for a while.
But february made me shiver
With every paper I’d deliver.
Bad news on the doorstep;
I couldn’t take one more step.
I can’t remember if I cried
When I read about his widowed bride,
But something touched me deep inside
The day the music died.
So bye-bye, miss american pie.
Drove my chevy to the levee,
But the levee was dry.
And them good old boys were drinkin’ whiskey and rye
Singin’, "this’ll be the day that I die.
"this’ll be the day that I die."
Did you write the book of love,
And do you have faith in God above,
If the Bible tells you so?
Do you believe in rock ’n roll,
Can music save your mortal soul,
And can you teach me how to dance real slow?
Well, I know that you’re in love with him
`cause I saw you dancin’ in the gym.
You both kicked off your shoes.
Man, I dig those rhythm and blues.
I was a lonely teenage broncin’ buck
With a pink carnation and a pickup truck,
But I knew I was out of luck
The day the music died.
I started singin’,
"bye-bye, miss american pie."
Drove my chevy to the levee,
But the levee was dry.
Them good old boys were drinkin’ whiskey and rye
And singin’, "this’ll be the day that I die.
"this’ll be the day that I die."
Now for ten years we’ve been on our own
And moss grows fat on a rollin’ stone,
But that’s not how it used to be.
When the jester sang for the king and queen,
In a coat he borrowed from james dean
And a voice that came from you and me,
Oh, and while the king was looking down,
The jester stole his thorny crown.
The courtroom was adjourned;
No verdict was returned.
And while lennon read a book of marx,
The quartet practiced in the park,
And we sang dirges in the dark
The day the music died.
We were singing,
"bye-bye, miss american pie."
Drove my chevy to the levee,
But the levee was dry.
Them good old boys were drinkin’ whiskey and rye
And singin’, "this’ll be the day that I die.
"this’ll be the day that I die."
Helter skelter in a summer swelter.
The birds flew off with a fallout shelter,
Eight miles high and falling fast.
It landed foul on the grass.
The players tried for a forward pass,
With the jester on the sidelines in a cast.
Now the half-time air was sweet perfume
While the sergeants played a marching tune.
We all got up to dance,
Oh, but we never got the chance!
`cause the players tried to take the field;
The marching band refused to yield.
Do you recall what was revealed
The day the music died?
We started singing,
"bye-bye, miss american pie."
Drove my chevy to the levee,
But the levee was dry.
Them good old boys were drinkin’ whiskey and rye
And singin’, "this’ll be the day that I die.
"this’ll be the day that I die."
Oh, and there we were all in one place,
A generation lost in space
With no time left to start again.
So come on: jack be nimble, jack be quick!
Jack flash sat on a candlestick
Cause fire is the devil’s only friend.
Oh, and as I watched him on the stage
My hands were clenched in fists of rage.
No angel born in hell
Could break that satan’s spell.
And as the flames climbed high into the night
To light the sacrificial rite,
I saw satan laughing with delight
The day the music died
He was singing,
"bye-bye, miss american pie."
Drove my chevy to the levee,
But the levee was dry.
Them good old boys were drinkin’ whiskey and rye
And singin’, "this’ll be the day that I die.
"this’ll be the day that I die."
I met a girl who sang the blues
And I asked her for some happy news,
But she just smiled and turned away.
I went down to the sacred store
Where I’d heard the music years before,
But the man there said the music wouldn’t play.
And in the streets: the children screamed,
The lovers cried, and the poets dreamed.
But not a word was spoken;
The church bells all were broken.
And the three men I admire most:
The father, son, and the holy ghost,
They caught the last train for the coast
The day the music died.
And they were singing,
"bye-bye, miss american pie."
Drove my chevy to the levee,
But the levee was dry.
And them good old boys were drinkin’ whiskey and rye
Singin’, "this’ll be the day that I die.
"this’ll be the day that I die."
They were singing,
"bye-bye, miss american pie."
Drove my chevy to the levee,
But the levee was dry.
Them good old boys were drinkin’ whiskey and rye
Singin’, "this’ll be the day that I die."
Broadway Lorimer:I love sing a longs!
Flushing Shea:So do I!
Broadway Lorimer: Shall we partake in another song?
Flushing Shea: Broadway Lorimer, we have sang a long many very long songs for a long amount of time, can we do some other sort of activity?
Broadway Lorimer:Do you want to analyze the lyrics to American Pie.
Flushing Shea: Not a chance, Broadway Lorimer! If you happened to have known me for more than a four hour long period of time, you would realize that I like to play kickball.
Broadway Lorimer: Flushing Shea, do you want to go into the anti gravity room of this private plane and play some good old fashioned anti gravity private plane kickball? It would be a very fun game that we could play.
Flushing Shea: I would be practically over joyed to participate in this thing you call “good old fashioned anti gravity private plane kickball”. It sounds like a blast to play. I assume that you or I will designate the area of first base, the area of second base, the area of third base,and the area of the plate which we tend to call “home plate”. I also assume that the rules which apply to this game which you and I have previously agreed upon to call “good old fashioned anti gravity private plane kickball” are similar to or exactly the same as the rules which apply to “good old fashioned gravity kickball”. If I made this assumption, would I be making an assumption which happens to be a truthful assumption, or an assumption which happens to be a falsefied assumption?
Broadway Lorimer: Flushing Shea, if you happened to make the assumption which you mentioned in your previous semi long speech just now, then you would be making an assumption which would happen to be a correct and true assumption. The rules of good old fashioned anti gravity private plane kickball are actually exactly the same as the rules of good old fashioned gravity kickball.
End of Chapter 9
Chapter Nine Footnotes: Yes, I know, I still have chosen not to mention Flushing Lorimer what so ever. As I told you in the Chapter Eight Footnotes, Flushing Lorimer is at his friend’s house playing the new Pokemon video game (But really: do they still make these video games?). Maybe Flushing Lorimer will appear in the book when you buy some Mr. Pibb! Well, I think they call it Pibb XTRA now, so then I guess you should buy some Pibb XTRA. And you should really buy Cheesy Tots from Burger King. They are just awesome. They are like hash browns with cheese inside. Oh, my editor tells me to stop rambling on during these footnotes. But seriously, I have yet to have tried Mr. Pibb, eh, Pibb XTRA, and eat delicious Burger King Cheesy Tots at the same time, but that should not stop you from trying Pibb XTRA and Delicious Burger King Cheesy Tots at the same time.
Graham Lorimer: (right upon exiting the plane) Oh, guys, we are gonna have to go back to Canada, I left my hat perched on the Canadian Cross Breeding Pets Pregnancy Help Clinic’s Receptionist’s desk. I did not have the proper amount of time to take it with me, since, as you all certainly must have at least the slightest memory of, the Canadian Communists tried to kill all of us, but we had a stroke of luck and got in to the private plane in time.
Flushing Shea: We are going back to Canada?
Broadway Lorimer: Yep, and we can sing American Pie along the way.
(They enter the plane. Lots of plane related stuff happens, and the plane takes off.)
Broadway Lorimer: Okay, Flushing Shea, it is sing a long time! We will, for a second time, be singing American Pie by Don Mc Lean.
Broadway Lorimer and Flushing Shea: (singing, in unison)
A long, long time ago...
I can still remember
How that music used to make me smile.
And I knew if I had my chance
That I could make those people dance
And, maybe, they’d be happy for a while.
But february made me shiver
With every paper I’d deliver.
Bad news on the doorstep;
I couldn’t take one more step.
I can’t remember if I cried
When I read about his widowed bride,
But something touched me deep inside
The day the music died.
So bye-bye, miss american pie.
Drove my chevy to the levee,
But the levee was dry.
And them good old boys were drinkin’ whiskey and rye
Singin’, "this’ll be the day that I die.
"this’ll be the day that I die."
Did you write the book of love,
And do you have faith in God above,
If the Bible tells you so?
Do you believe in rock ’n roll,
Can music save your mortal soul,
And can you teach me how to dance real slow?
Well, I know that you’re in love with him
`cause I saw you dancin’ in the gym.
You both kicked off your shoes.
Man, I dig those rhythm and blues.
I was a lonely teenage broncin’ buck
With a pink carnation and a pickup truck,
But I knew I was out of luck
The day the music died.
I started singin’,
"bye-bye, miss american pie."
Drove my chevy to the levee,
But the levee was dry.
Them good old boys were drinkin’ whiskey and rye
And singin’, "this’ll be the day that I die.
"this’ll be the day that I die."
Now for ten years we’ve been on our own
And moss grows fat on a rollin’ stone,
But that’s not how it used to be.
When the jester sang for the king and queen,
In a coat he borrowed from james dean
And a voice that came from you and me,
Oh, and while the king was looking down,
The jester stole his thorny crown.
The courtroom was adjourned;
No verdict was returned.
And while lennon read a book of marx,
The quartet practiced in the park,
And we sang dirges in the dark
The day the music died.
We were singing,
"bye-bye, miss american pie."
Drove my chevy to the levee,
But the levee was dry.
Them good old boys were drinkin’ whiskey and rye
And singin’, "this’ll be the day that I die.
"this’ll be the day that I die."
Helter skelter in a summer swelter.
The birds flew off with a fallout shelter,
Eight miles high and falling fast.
It landed foul on the grass.
The players tried for a forward pass,
With the jester on the sidelines in a cast.
Now the half-time air was sweet perfume
While the sergeants played a marching tune.
We all got up to dance,
Oh, but we never got the chance!
`cause the players tried to take the field;
The marching band refused to yield.
Do you recall what was revealed
The day the music died?
We started singing,
"bye-bye, miss american pie."
Drove my chevy to the levee,
But the levee was dry.
Them good old boys were drinkin’ whiskey and rye
And singin’, "this’ll be the day that I die.
"this’ll be the day that I die."
Oh, and there we were all in one place,
A generation lost in space
With no time left to start again.
So come on: jack be nimble, jack be quick!
Jack flash sat on a candlestick
Cause fire is the devil’s only friend.
Oh, and as I watched him on the stage
My hands were clenched in fists of rage.
No angel born in hell
Could break that satan’s spell.
And as the flames climbed high into the night
To light the sacrificial rite,
I saw satan laughing with delight
The day the music died
He was singing,
"bye-bye, miss american pie."
Drove my chevy to the levee,
But the levee was dry.
Them good old boys were drinkin’ whiskey and rye
And singin’, "this’ll be the day that I die.
"this’ll be the day that I die."
I met a girl who sang the blues
And I asked her for some happy news,
But she just smiled and turned away.
I went down to the sacred store
Where I’d heard the music years before,
But the man there said the music wouldn’t play.
And in the streets: the children screamed,
The lovers cried, and the poets dreamed.
But not a word was spoken;
The church bells all were broken.
And the three men I admire most:
The father, son, and the holy ghost,
They caught the last train for the coast
The day the music died.
And they were singing,
"bye-bye, miss american pie."
Drove my chevy to the levee,
But the levee was dry.
And them good old boys were drinkin’ whiskey and rye
Singin’, "this’ll be the day that I die.
"this’ll be the day that I die."
They were singing,
"bye-bye, miss american pie."
Drove my chevy to the levee,
But the levee was dry.
Them good old boys were drinkin’ whiskey and rye
Singin’, "this’ll be the day that I die."
Broadway Lorimer:I love sing a longs!
Flushing Shea:So do I!
Broadway Lorimer: Shall we partake in another song?
Flushing Shea: Broadway Lorimer, we have sang a long many very long songs for a long amount of time, can we do some other sort of activity?
Broadway Lorimer:Do you want to analyze the lyrics to American Pie.
Flushing Shea: Not a chance, Broadway Lorimer! If you happened to have known me for more than a four hour long period of time, you would realize that I like to play kickball.
Broadway Lorimer: Flushing Shea, do you want to go into the anti gravity room of this private plane and play some good old fashioned anti gravity private plane kickball? It would be a very fun game that we could play.
Flushing Shea: I would be practically over joyed to participate in this thing you call “good old fashioned anti gravity private plane kickball”. It sounds like a blast to play. I assume that you or I will designate the area of first base, the area of second base, the area of third base,and the area of the plate which we tend to call “home plate”. I also assume that the rules which apply to this game which you and I have previously agreed upon to call “good old fashioned anti gravity private plane kickball” are similar to or exactly the same as the rules which apply to “good old fashioned gravity kickball”. If I made this assumption, would I be making an assumption which happens to be a truthful assumption, or an assumption which happens to be a falsefied assumption?
Broadway Lorimer: Flushing Shea, if you happened to make the assumption which you mentioned in your previous semi long speech just now, then you would be making an assumption which would happen to be a correct and true assumption. The rules of good old fashioned anti gravity private plane kickball are actually exactly the same as the rules of good old fashioned gravity kickball.
End of Chapter 9
Chapter Nine Footnotes: Yes, I know, I still have chosen not to mention Flushing Lorimer what so ever. As I told you in the Chapter Eight Footnotes, Flushing Lorimer is at his friend’s house playing the new Pokemon video game (But really: do they still make these video games?). Maybe Flushing Lorimer will appear in the book when you buy some Mr. Pibb! Well, I think they call it Pibb XTRA now, so then I guess you should buy some Pibb XTRA. And you should really buy Cheesy Tots from Burger King. They are just awesome. They are like hash browns with cheese inside. Oh, my editor tells me to stop rambling on during these footnotes. But seriously, I have yet to have tried Mr. Pibb, eh, Pibb XTRA, and eat delicious Burger King Cheesy Tots at the same time, but that should not stop you from trying Pibb XTRA and Delicious Burger King Cheesy Tots at the same time.
Chapters 7 and 8 of My Attempt at a Novel
Chapter 7: Uh, um, I guess they are dating
Flushing Shea: Uh, um, I have to admit that kissing you was not actually that bad. I mean, I kind of liked it.
Broadway Lorimer: Um, this is awkward, but, uh. I kind of liked it too.
Flushing Shea: Shouldn’t we be dating then?
Broadway Lorimer: Yeah, I guess so.
Flushing Shea: Well, then I guess we are dating now.
Broadway Lorimer: Wow, I am actually really happy that we are dating now.
Flushing Shea:I guess I am happy too.
*Flushing Shea and Broadway Lorimer share an embracing hug.*
The Studio Audience: Awwwwwwww!
End of Chapter 7.
Chapter 7 Footnotes: Yes, I know Chapter 7 was like, uh, half a page long. That is because, well, there is really nothing else to say in this chapter. I mean, they are dating, it is pretty simple, you should be able to get that without some long winded ten page fancy explanation from the author. And I mean, who cares how long the chapters are? Seriously, I am the author. I can make these chapters as long or as short as I see fit!
Chapter 8: I can Make my chapter Titles as Long as I want to, because it is my novel, is it your novel? No, I did not think so. So you will now have to suffer from a long winded unnecessary chapter title that reveals absolutely nothing about Chapter 8 itself. Bwahahahahahaha! Bwahahahahhaha!
The two lovebirds, Graham Lorimer, and the other two lovebirds entered into the Canadian cross breeding pregnancies help clinic.
Graham Lorimer: Hello, my name is Graham Lorimer, and I would like you to make the weird mutated puppy inside of this snake not shoot lazer beams out of its mouth.
Clinic Secretary: Uh, can you repeat that?
Graham Lorimer: There is a mutated lazer beam shooting mouthed puppy inside of this snake, can you make him not shoot lazer beams out of his mouth?
Clinic Secretary: Oh, that. I understand now. I think you’re looking for the De – Lazer Room, it is Room 76, and it is right down the hall.
(The group proceeds to walk down the hall, right to Room number seventy six, I mean, that is what the secretary said to do, and the secretary has worked here for twenty or so years, so I would think she knows what she is doing when she led them in the general direction of the room which is called Room 76.)
Graham Lorimer: Okay kids, who wants to open the door? I mean, kids, seriously, this door just looks like a load of fun, I mean, with its brass door knob, and its frame which seems to have been made from wood, or at least a substance that is very closely linked to the substance of wood. So, if I must say it once again… Which one of you children and/ or animals wants to open this beautiful door and show our group Room 76 for the first time?
(Broadway Lorimer, Flushing Shea,DeKalb, and Jefferson are all quiet, still continuing to not speak a single word, or even make the tiniest of noices, so tiny that there was a miniscule chance that Graham Lorimer would ever hear that noise, think they were giving him a positive response to his query, and have to open the gosh darn door.)
Graham Lorimer: Show some enthusiasm, people! As a punishment for your ever evident lack of enthusiasm, I have chosen the official opener of this door, the door to Room 76, and that official opener of this door, the door to Room 76 shall be the only person in this room named Graham Lorimer.
Man Walking Down Hall: Hey, I am Graham Lorimer. I guess you must want me, who is obviously the only person in this room named Graham Lorimer to be the official opener of this door, the door to Room 76.
(The Original Graham Lorimer opens his briefcase, ruffles through the assorted mess of things inside of it, and blindly located his T Mobile TZX 480 Cell Phone. Graham Lorimer then proceeded to violently throw his T Mobile TZX 480 Cell Phone at the New, Not Original Graham Lorimer.)
Graham Lorimer: Okay, that takes care of that. Does anyone else here have the name Graham Lorimer?
(A man in the waiting room raises his hand, signaling that he is also named Graham Lorimer.)
Graham Lorimer: (to receptionist at clinic) Um, miss, something is wrong here. I have had several men come up to me claiming they had the same name as me. They always said their name was…
The Receptionist at the Canadian Cross Breeding Pets Pregnancy Help Clinic: You do not even have to say anything more. They all said their names were Graham Lorimer.
Graham Lorimer: Uh, yeah, how in the heck did you know that? This place is getting creepy.
The Receptionist at the Canadian Cross Breeding Pets Pregnancy Help Clinic: I knew that because Graham Lorimer is the name of our great Communist leader, and, because he was looking out for all of us, and to save us from the heathenism which we learned to associate with capitalism, he asked us very nicely to legally change our names to match the name of his greatness, and we all complied.
Graham Lorimer: Why in the world would you comply with a demand that was that unreasonable? Why don’t you start riots and uprisings against this cruel and evil Communist dictator.
The Receptionist at the Canadian Cross Breeding Pets Pregnancy Help Clinic: I would not say those things if I were you.The Commie Cam will catch you.
Graham Lorimer: What in God’s name is the Commie Cam?
The Receptionist at the Canadian Cross Breeding Pets Prenancy Help Clinic: The Commie Cam is the name of the cameras that are in every public place and every home, that watch out to make sure trouble makers do not try to reverse people’s brain washing.
Graham Lorimer: Brain washing? This place is getting scary, kids we are so totally out of here.
The Receptionist at the Canadian Cross Breeding Pets Pregnacny Help Clinic: Oh, I do not think you understand. Once you come in to Canada, you do not go out of Canada ever again.
Graham Lorimer: But why is this happening? Why are we being restrained from leaving your country?
The Receptionist at the Canadian Cross Breeding Pets Pregnancy Help Clinic: Well, let us put it this way. You know our secrets. Our brain washing. Our Communist dictatorship. Our mass changing of names. If you go back to America, there is a chance that you could leak out our secrets to the rest of the world. We can not let that happen. So, whenever tourists come in to Canada, they stay in Canada.
Graham Lorimer: (running on to roof, preparing fly his airplane to safety) You will never catch me now, Commie- nadians! (to Broadway Lorimer, Flushing Shea, and their respective pets, Jefferson, and DeKalb) Hurry kids! We need to get far, far away from this crazy place! And we need to get far, far away very, very fast.
(Graham Lorimer, Broadway Lorimer, Flushing Shea, Jefferson, and DeKalb are all successfully on the roof. The Commie- nadian police are very hot on their heels. Broadway Lorimer trips over a rock while on the roof. Flushing Shea then proceeds to pick up Broadway Lorimer and run her in to the plane, which was, at that point, all ready to take off and get away from the Commie-nadian Police.)
Broadway Lorimer: Oh my God, thank you Flushing Shea. You saved my life. I love you so much! I love you! I love you! I love you! I love you! I love you! I love you! I love you! I love you! I love you! I love you! I love you! I love you! I love you! I love you! I love you! I love you! I love you!
Flushing Shea: I love you too! I love you too! I love you too! I love you too! I love you too! I love you too! I love you too! I love you too! I love you too! I love you too! I love you too! I love you too! I love you too! I love you too! I love you too! I love you too!
Graham Lorimer: (as he is launching the plane off of the roof) You know what would fit this situation perfectly? A rousing polka tune!
All those other people: Yeah! Pol- ka! Pol- ka! Pol- ka! Pol- ka!
Graham Lorimer: Okay, here is how the Group Polkaing in an Airplane Challenge works. I put on this delightfully peppy polka music which I adore oh so much, and then I sing the first verse of our polka song. Then, Broadway Lorimer, you will be the polkaist who will sing the second erse of our polka song. Then the polkaing will proceed to you, Flushing Shea. So are we all clear of the Group Polkaing in an Airplane Challenge’s official rules and regulations? I think we are. So let us start this Group Polkaing in an Airplane Challenge. I will start, as I previously alluded to before.
(Graham Lorimer is now polkaing)
Oh, we almost got stuck in Canada,
They were such big Communists,
Flushing is now dating my daughter,
and we are on an airplane
(Broadway Lorimer is now polkaing)
Oh, we are running back to freedom,
far away from Canada,
thank God we’re alive,
I like Mr. Pibb
(Flushing Shea is now polkaing. He very noticably awkwardly stumbles through his verse, trying to sing the polka and create the polka at the same exact time.)
Oh, we are on a plane
um, uh, this is a private plane,
uh, eh, ah, um, this plane is really nice,
uh, it has free soda
Graham Lorimer: (not to anyone specifically) Well, I guess our little friend Flushing Shea has some polkaing problems. I think we should kick him off this air plane!
Broadway Lorimer: No Dad! Do not do it! He will fall right back on to Communist Canada!
Graham Lorimer: Wow, we are home already.
Flushing Shea: That was an interesting trip. This was a long week though.
Broadway Lorimer: Flushing Shea, what in the world are you talking about, it is only 7:45 PM. I met you at 3:45 PM. Our pets cross breeded at 4:05 PM. We found the bridge at 5:45 PM. We took off for Canada at 5:55 PM. We got in Canada at 6:05 PM. We left the office and got into the plane at 7:15 PM. And we encountered a little turbulence on the flight back, so it is now exactly 7:45 PM, wait, it is now 7:46 PM. The time changed while I was talking to you.
End of Chapter Eight
Chapter Eight Footnotes:
In the Canadian Cross Breeding Pets Pregnancy Help Clinic, the secretary and receptionist are the same character. And there will be many more polka parties to come, provided that you bought Mr. Pibb like I told you to several chapters ago. Yes, I know that we never included Broadway Lorimer’s little brother Flushing Lorimer. We will add him possibly during the next chapter. But while his family and neighbors and pets and neighbors pets have been being chased by Communist Canadian Police Officers, Flushing Lorimer has been doing whatever nine year olds do these days. Do they still play Pokemon? I guess they do. So Flushing Lorimer, has been so busy playing whatever the latest one of these Pokemon games is that he has not been able to do anything plot related up to this point. So, as I guide you into Chapter Nine, I must mention one thing, which has been mentioned several times so far in this novel. Mr Pibb + Red Vines = Crazy Delicious! lolol lolol!
Flushing Shea: Uh, um, I have to admit that kissing you was not actually that bad. I mean, I kind of liked it.
Broadway Lorimer: Um, this is awkward, but, uh. I kind of liked it too.
Flushing Shea: Shouldn’t we be dating then?
Broadway Lorimer: Yeah, I guess so.
Flushing Shea: Well, then I guess we are dating now.
Broadway Lorimer: Wow, I am actually really happy that we are dating now.
Flushing Shea:I guess I am happy too.
*Flushing Shea and Broadway Lorimer share an embracing hug.*
The Studio Audience: Awwwwwwww!
End of Chapter 7.
Chapter 7 Footnotes: Yes, I know Chapter 7 was like, uh, half a page long. That is because, well, there is really nothing else to say in this chapter. I mean, they are dating, it is pretty simple, you should be able to get that without some long winded ten page fancy explanation from the author. And I mean, who cares how long the chapters are? Seriously, I am the author. I can make these chapters as long or as short as I see fit!
Chapter 8: I can Make my chapter Titles as Long as I want to, because it is my novel, is it your novel? No, I did not think so. So you will now have to suffer from a long winded unnecessary chapter title that reveals absolutely nothing about Chapter 8 itself. Bwahahahahahaha! Bwahahahahhaha!
The two lovebirds, Graham Lorimer, and the other two lovebirds entered into the Canadian cross breeding pregnancies help clinic.
Graham Lorimer: Hello, my name is Graham Lorimer, and I would like you to make the weird mutated puppy inside of this snake not shoot lazer beams out of its mouth.
Clinic Secretary: Uh, can you repeat that?
Graham Lorimer: There is a mutated lazer beam shooting mouthed puppy inside of this snake, can you make him not shoot lazer beams out of his mouth?
Clinic Secretary: Oh, that. I understand now. I think you’re looking for the De – Lazer Room, it is Room 76, and it is right down the hall.
(The group proceeds to walk down the hall, right to Room number seventy six, I mean, that is what the secretary said to do, and the secretary has worked here for twenty or so years, so I would think she knows what she is doing when she led them in the general direction of the room which is called Room 76.)
Graham Lorimer: Okay kids, who wants to open the door? I mean, kids, seriously, this door just looks like a load of fun, I mean, with its brass door knob, and its frame which seems to have been made from wood, or at least a substance that is very closely linked to the substance of wood. So, if I must say it once again… Which one of you children and/ or animals wants to open this beautiful door and show our group Room 76 for the first time?
(Broadway Lorimer, Flushing Shea,DeKalb, and Jefferson are all quiet, still continuing to not speak a single word, or even make the tiniest of noices, so tiny that there was a miniscule chance that Graham Lorimer would ever hear that noise, think they were giving him a positive response to his query, and have to open the gosh darn door.)
Graham Lorimer: Show some enthusiasm, people! As a punishment for your ever evident lack of enthusiasm, I have chosen the official opener of this door, the door to Room 76, and that official opener of this door, the door to Room 76 shall be the only person in this room named Graham Lorimer.
Man Walking Down Hall: Hey, I am Graham Lorimer. I guess you must want me, who is obviously the only person in this room named Graham Lorimer to be the official opener of this door, the door to Room 76.
(The Original Graham Lorimer opens his briefcase, ruffles through the assorted mess of things inside of it, and blindly located his T Mobile TZX 480 Cell Phone. Graham Lorimer then proceeded to violently throw his T Mobile TZX 480 Cell Phone at the New, Not Original Graham Lorimer.)
Graham Lorimer: Okay, that takes care of that. Does anyone else here have the name Graham Lorimer?
(A man in the waiting room raises his hand, signaling that he is also named Graham Lorimer.)
Graham Lorimer: (to receptionist at clinic) Um, miss, something is wrong here. I have had several men come up to me claiming they had the same name as me. They always said their name was…
The Receptionist at the Canadian Cross Breeding Pets Pregnancy Help Clinic: You do not even have to say anything more. They all said their names were Graham Lorimer.
Graham Lorimer: Uh, yeah, how in the heck did you know that? This place is getting creepy.
The Receptionist at the Canadian Cross Breeding Pets Pregnancy Help Clinic: I knew that because Graham Lorimer is the name of our great Communist leader, and, because he was looking out for all of us, and to save us from the heathenism which we learned to associate with capitalism, he asked us very nicely to legally change our names to match the name of his greatness, and we all complied.
Graham Lorimer: Why in the world would you comply with a demand that was that unreasonable? Why don’t you start riots and uprisings against this cruel and evil Communist dictator.
The Receptionist at the Canadian Cross Breeding Pets Pregnancy Help Clinic: I would not say those things if I were you.The Commie Cam will catch you.
Graham Lorimer: What in God’s name is the Commie Cam?
The Receptionist at the Canadian Cross Breeding Pets Prenancy Help Clinic: The Commie Cam is the name of the cameras that are in every public place and every home, that watch out to make sure trouble makers do not try to reverse people’s brain washing.
Graham Lorimer: Brain washing? This place is getting scary, kids we are so totally out of here.
The Receptionist at the Canadian Cross Breeding Pets Pregnacny Help Clinic: Oh, I do not think you understand. Once you come in to Canada, you do not go out of Canada ever again.
Graham Lorimer: But why is this happening? Why are we being restrained from leaving your country?
The Receptionist at the Canadian Cross Breeding Pets Pregnancy Help Clinic: Well, let us put it this way. You know our secrets. Our brain washing. Our Communist dictatorship. Our mass changing of names. If you go back to America, there is a chance that you could leak out our secrets to the rest of the world. We can not let that happen. So, whenever tourists come in to Canada, they stay in Canada.
Graham Lorimer: (running on to roof, preparing fly his airplane to safety) You will never catch me now, Commie- nadians! (to Broadway Lorimer, Flushing Shea, and their respective pets, Jefferson, and DeKalb) Hurry kids! We need to get far, far away from this crazy place! And we need to get far, far away very, very fast.
(Graham Lorimer, Broadway Lorimer, Flushing Shea, Jefferson, and DeKalb are all successfully on the roof. The Commie- nadian police are very hot on their heels. Broadway Lorimer trips over a rock while on the roof. Flushing Shea then proceeds to pick up Broadway Lorimer and run her in to the plane, which was, at that point, all ready to take off and get away from the Commie-nadian Police.)
Broadway Lorimer: Oh my God, thank you Flushing Shea. You saved my life. I love you so much! I love you! I love you! I love you! I love you! I love you! I love you! I love you! I love you! I love you! I love you! I love you! I love you! I love you! I love you! I love you! I love you! I love you!
Flushing Shea: I love you too! I love you too! I love you too! I love you too! I love you too! I love you too! I love you too! I love you too! I love you too! I love you too! I love you too! I love you too! I love you too! I love you too! I love you too! I love you too!
Graham Lorimer: (as he is launching the plane off of the roof) You know what would fit this situation perfectly? A rousing polka tune!
All those other people: Yeah! Pol- ka! Pol- ka! Pol- ka! Pol- ka!
Graham Lorimer: Okay, here is how the Group Polkaing in an Airplane Challenge works. I put on this delightfully peppy polka music which I adore oh so much, and then I sing the first verse of our polka song. Then, Broadway Lorimer, you will be the polkaist who will sing the second erse of our polka song. Then the polkaing will proceed to you, Flushing Shea. So are we all clear of the Group Polkaing in an Airplane Challenge’s official rules and regulations? I think we are. So let us start this Group Polkaing in an Airplane Challenge. I will start, as I previously alluded to before.
(Graham Lorimer is now polkaing)
Oh, we almost got stuck in Canada,
They were such big Communists,
Flushing is now dating my daughter,
and we are on an airplane
(Broadway Lorimer is now polkaing)
Oh, we are running back to freedom,
far away from Canada,
thank God we’re alive,
I like Mr. Pibb
(Flushing Shea is now polkaing. He very noticably awkwardly stumbles through his verse, trying to sing the polka and create the polka at the same exact time.)
Oh, we are on a plane
um, uh, this is a private plane,
uh, eh, ah, um, this plane is really nice,
uh, it has free soda
Graham Lorimer: (not to anyone specifically) Well, I guess our little friend Flushing Shea has some polkaing problems. I think we should kick him off this air plane!
Broadway Lorimer: No Dad! Do not do it! He will fall right back on to Communist Canada!
Graham Lorimer: Wow, we are home already.
Flushing Shea: That was an interesting trip. This was a long week though.
Broadway Lorimer: Flushing Shea, what in the world are you talking about, it is only 7:45 PM. I met you at 3:45 PM. Our pets cross breeded at 4:05 PM. We found the bridge at 5:45 PM. We took off for Canada at 5:55 PM. We got in Canada at 6:05 PM. We left the office and got into the plane at 7:15 PM. And we encountered a little turbulence on the flight back, so it is now exactly 7:45 PM, wait, it is now 7:46 PM. The time changed while I was talking to you.
End of Chapter Eight
Chapter Eight Footnotes:
In the Canadian Cross Breeding Pets Pregnancy Help Clinic, the secretary and receptionist are the same character. And there will be many more polka parties to come, provided that you bought Mr. Pibb like I told you to several chapters ago. Yes, I know that we never included Broadway Lorimer’s little brother Flushing Lorimer. We will add him possibly during the next chapter. But while his family and neighbors and pets and neighbors pets have been being chased by Communist Canadian Police Officers, Flushing Lorimer has been doing whatever nine year olds do these days. Do they still play Pokemon? I guess they do. So Flushing Lorimer, has been so busy playing whatever the latest one of these Pokemon games is that he has not been able to do anything plot related up to this point. So, as I guide you into Chapter Nine, I must mention one thing, which has been mentioned several times so far in this novel. Mr Pibb + Red Vines = Crazy Delicious! lolol lolol!
Chapter 6 of My Attempt at a Novel
Chapter 6: Awake in A Plane
Broadway Lorimer: Aah!!
Flushing Shea: What is wrong with you right now, Broadway Lorimer? I thought you were napping, or at least you said that you were napping, I guess you were not napping like you said, after all. Now the joke is on you! Bwahahahahah! Bwahahahahaha!
Broadway Lorimer: The joke is not on me. I was really sleeping, or napping, as I said, but I had a dream that my house only had 45 floors! How would you feel if you had a dream that you lived in a house that only had 27 bathrooms? And the scariest part is… I was not using my special pure gold toothpaste in in my dream, I was using some weird, generic, Colgate toothpaste. Colgate is for poor people.
Flushing Shea: Wait a minute, why are we always engaged in these pointless arguments where we talk like retards and use so many words to explain things that would probably be in the dictionary if you looked up the word “Simple.”
Broadway Lorimer: Well, do not say anything, because the author can do whatever he wants in this story, since he technically invented us and our unique personalities and ways in which we speak.
Flushing Shea: I will say whatever I want to say! Screw you, big shot author guy! You can not control what I do! I have free will! Why do you think you can boss us around and make us do stupid things, like sing “Don’t Stop Believin’” by Journey and “American Pie” by Don McLean?
(Flushing Shea and Broadway Lorimer put on sombreros, which were hiding in the overhead compartments, and sing “La Cucaracha” in a very odd and squeaky voice.)
Broadway Lorimer: See, Flushing Shea, I told you so many times not to mess with the author, I mean, he could just make us do anything, or worse, he could get rid of our characters and creative personas, ditch this story, and write a new one, with characters who comply with what he says.
Flushing Shea: Aah, that is not that bad, Broadway Lorimer, all we had to do was sing “La Cucaracha” in sombreros, it is not like we had to do anything that traumatizing. I mean seriously, author dude, try your worst, there is nothing you could do to me! Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! I am in a story and you are not!!
Broadway Lorimer: Flushing Shea, I would not provoke the author, he could make us…
(Flushing Shea and Broadway Lorimer share a timely kiss)
Flushing Shea: Oh, you are playing hardball now, buddy. You are playing hardball! You want me to spoil your secrets too? I keep track of what you write, so I know that you like…
(Flushing Shea, in a burst of unrivaled silliness, grabs a parachute, and jumps right onto the cross breeding animals pregnancy help clinic. Good, that will get rid of that guy for a chapter or two.)
So, uh, Broadway, I am so sorry about that…
Broadway Lorimer: It is no problem.
Are we cool now?
Broadway Lorimer: Yeah, we are definetely cool now.
Good. You understand why I did that though, right?
Broadway Lorimer: Yeah, I understand one hundred percent. I mean, it was not that bad. I mean, what harm did it do, really?
So you like Flushing Shea?
Broadway Lorimer: Yeah, but do not tell him. Can I trust you to not tell Flushing Shea that I like him?
I guess you can trust me, Broadway Lorimer.
Broadway Lorimer: Thank you so much, Mike. I owe you one.
No problem, Broadway Lorimer.
Broadway Lorimer: Hey, Mike. I have one more favor to ask you.
What, Broadway Lorimer?
Broadway Lorimer: Can you include a few more of those random kissing scenes? They were nice and fun and unbeat and stuff.
Uh, I guess so, Broadway Lorimer.
Broadway Lorimer: Okay, thanks Mike.
No problem, Broadway Lorimer.
Graham Lorimer: Okay, folks, Flight 1 will be landing very shortly. Please notice that the fasten seatbelts sign is on, so your seatbelts should likewise also be on and secure. Flight attendants prepare for landing.
Broadway Lorimer: Uh, dad.
Graham Lorimer: What is it honey?
Broadway Lorimer: Flushing Shea decided to parachute there. He landed right on top of the cross breeding animals pregnancy help clinic though, so that is a positive.
Graham Lorimer: Oh, so I guess there is no harm done then.
Broadway Lorimer: Nope, I guess there really is no harm done.
Graham Lorimer: Sorry but I have to stop talking with you, I have to land this private plane safely.
Broadway Lorimer: Okay, dad.
Graham Lorimer set down the landing gear, and the plane successfully landed: right on top of the Canadian cross breeding pregnancy health clinic where Flushing Shea was sitting on a rooftop chimney all alone in the freezing cold. Flushing was elated to see DeKalb, Jefferson, Mr. Graham Lorimer, and especially Broadway Lorimer.
Broadway Lorimer: Aah!!
Flushing Shea: What is wrong with you right now, Broadway Lorimer? I thought you were napping, or at least you said that you were napping, I guess you were not napping like you said, after all. Now the joke is on you! Bwahahahahah! Bwahahahahaha!
Broadway Lorimer: The joke is not on me. I was really sleeping, or napping, as I said, but I had a dream that my house only had 45 floors! How would you feel if you had a dream that you lived in a house that only had 27 bathrooms? And the scariest part is… I was not using my special pure gold toothpaste in in my dream, I was using some weird, generic, Colgate toothpaste. Colgate is for poor people.
Flushing Shea: Wait a minute, why are we always engaged in these pointless arguments where we talk like retards and use so many words to explain things that would probably be in the dictionary if you looked up the word “Simple.”
Broadway Lorimer: Well, do not say anything, because the author can do whatever he wants in this story, since he technically invented us and our unique personalities and ways in which we speak.
Flushing Shea: I will say whatever I want to say! Screw you, big shot author guy! You can not control what I do! I have free will! Why do you think you can boss us around and make us do stupid things, like sing “Don’t Stop Believin’” by Journey and “American Pie” by Don McLean?
(Flushing Shea and Broadway Lorimer put on sombreros, which were hiding in the overhead compartments, and sing “La Cucaracha” in a very odd and squeaky voice.)
Broadway Lorimer: See, Flushing Shea, I told you so many times not to mess with the author, I mean, he could just make us do anything, or worse, he could get rid of our characters and creative personas, ditch this story, and write a new one, with characters who comply with what he says.
Flushing Shea: Aah, that is not that bad, Broadway Lorimer, all we had to do was sing “La Cucaracha” in sombreros, it is not like we had to do anything that traumatizing. I mean seriously, author dude, try your worst, there is nothing you could do to me! Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! I am in a story and you are not!!
Broadway Lorimer: Flushing Shea, I would not provoke the author, he could make us…
(Flushing Shea and Broadway Lorimer share a timely kiss)
Flushing Shea: Oh, you are playing hardball now, buddy. You are playing hardball! You want me to spoil your secrets too? I keep track of what you write, so I know that you like…
(Flushing Shea, in a burst of unrivaled silliness, grabs a parachute, and jumps right onto the cross breeding animals pregnancy help clinic. Good, that will get rid of that guy for a chapter or two.)
So, uh, Broadway, I am so sorry about that…
Broadway Lorimer: It is no problem.
Are we cool now?
Broadway Lorimer: Yeah, we are definetely cool now.
Good. You understand why I did that though, right?
Broadway Lorimer: Yeah, I understand one hundred percent. I mean, it was not that bad. I mean, what harm did it do, really?
So you like Flushing Shea?
Broadway Lorimer: Yeah, but do not tell him. Can I trust you to not tell Flushing Shea that I like him?
I guess you can trust me, Broadway Lorimer.
Broadway Lorimer: Thank you so much, Mike. I owe you one.
No problem, Broadway Lorimer.
Broadway Lorimer: Hey, Mike. I have one more favor to ask you.
What, Broadway Lorimer?
Broadway Lorimer: Can you include a few more of those random kissing scenes? They were nice and fun and unbeat and stuff.
Uh, I guess so, Broadway Lorimer.
Broadway Lorimer: Okay, thanks Mike.
No problem, Broadway Lorimer.
Graham Lorimer: Okay, folks, Flight 1 will be landing very shortly. Please notice that the fasten seatbelts sign is on, so your seatbelts should likewise also be on and secure. Flight attendants prepare for landing.
Broadway Lorimer: Uh, dad.
Graham Lorimer: What is it honey?
Broadway Lorimer: Flushing Shea decided to parachute there. He landed right on top of the cross breeding animals pregnancy help clinic though, so that is a positive.
Graham Lorimer: Oh, so I guess there is no harm done then.
Broadway Lorimer: Nope, I guess there really is no harm done.
Graham Lorimer: Sorry but I have to stop talking with you, I have to land this private plane safely.
Broadway Lorimer: Okay, dad.
Graham Lorimer set down the landing gear, and the plane successfully landed: right on top of the Canadian cross breeding pregnancy health clinic where Flushing Shea was sitting on a rooftop chimney all alone in the freezing cold. Flushing was elated to see DeKalb, Jefferson, Mr. Graham Lorimer, and especially Broadway Lorimer.
Chapter 5 of My Attempt at a Novel
Chapter 5: I Dream of Broadway
Broadway Lorimer rubbed her eyes. “Morning again?” she said, as she rose slowly from her bed, which was now distraught with the covers and pillows all over the bed and floor. “Ugh, it is Monday once again. Whoever invented Monday must not have dreamed that it would have become such a day of sheer misery for everyone who has a job or goes to school,” said Broadway Lorimer as she moved towards her closet and grabbed a suit and a suitable pair of pants. “Well, I guess I should be happy that I at least have a job,” said Broadway Lorimer, as she changed into her work clothes. Broadway walked towards her door and gave a quick tug at the doorknob, obviously opening the door. As she exited, she did a few more morning stretches, preparing for another one of those dreaded Mondays. After her daily morning stretches, she walked in a slouched manner towards the first floor bathroom. She again gave a quick, gentle tug at the brass doorknob, which obviously, once again, opened the bathroom door, allowing her to waltz inside. Once inside of her small, tiled bathroom, Broadway Lorimer hastily grabbed her toothbrush, wet the bristles a slight bit by just barely turning the sink on, then applied a few thick gooey blobs of her Colgate toothpaste, which was called “Cool Breeze” or something similar to that. She scrubbed each and every tooth, careful not to miss a spot, remembering when she had the cavity at age 14 and had to have her wisdom teeth pulled. After what she estimated was two minutes, Broadway Lorimer yanked the finely bristled toothbrush out of her mouth, shoved it into a cabinet above the bathroom sink, and grabbed a small bathroom cup from the same cabinet. Broadway Lorimer proceeded to fill the teensy tiny bathroom cup with the tap water which ran steadily out of the shiny metal faucet. Broadway Lorimer gulped down the tap water, swirled it around her mouth once… twice… a third time… and again a fourth time, just for good luck and good riddance. She tossed the cup into the small bathroom garbage can as if she was playing in the WNBA. Broadway Lorimer was a college basketball player with big hope for the future. She dreamed of one day playing on a team in the WNBA. One day, all of her dreams were shattered because of the “accident”.
*FLASHBACK*
Announcer: And Lorimer goes for the three pointer… and it is good!
Crowd: Woo hoo! Lor – i – Mer! Lor- i- Mer! Lor-i-Mer!
Announcer: This Harvard women’s team this year has just been incredible, all of these wins, though, seem to be coming straight from Broadway Lorimer, a crowd favorite and almost certainly the star player on this Harvard women’s team. Wait a minute, there is a guy rushing out of the stands, what is he doing? He has some sort of golf club in his hand. He just darted past security and down right into the court. He is going up to Broadway Lorimer, she is the star of the team, and OH MY GOD! HE JUST HIT HER ON BOTH KNEES WITH THE GOLF CLUB! How could he do that? Security is now finally able to get a hold of him. And now, there are loud boos coming from the crowd, the man with the golf club is having trash thrown at him by the fans, and the campus security guards are escorting the man out to their facility on the other site of the Harvard campus. And the Harvard University crowd is cheering as this terrible, terrible man is being sent off to the police station across campus. But now we all stand in quiet shock and the atrocity that has just occurred.
(Broadway Lorimer gets up out of her own will.)
Announcer: This must be a miracle! Broadway Lorimer, who was just viciously struck by a golf club wielding fan, is getting up out of her own will. I think she may be saying that she is okay. Yes, she is definitely saying she is okay, she is giving the thumbs up sign, we take that to mean that she is okay. So, wow, Broadway Lorimer was just struck very viciously with a solid metal golf club and is getting up out of her own will, with no help from anyone else whatsoever, and is saying she is totally fine. Well, I hope the doctors of this team think that Broadway Lorimer is okay too. Oh, wait, I was just handed a memo by one of my associates here at Harvard that says that the golf club wielding man who hit Broadway Lorimer has been identified as 19-year old Ralph Utica, who is a student here at Harvard University. It seems that this Ralph Utica may have been a disgruntled ex boyfriend of Broadway Lorimer’s from several years back who happened to hold a very, very, very, very, very, very…
Other Announcer: We get it Bob.
Announcer: very very very big grudge against Broadway Lorimer due to their very abrupt breakup. What a shame though. If Ralph Utica really respected Broadway Lorimer, who we, as we previously have mentioned several times, was his very estranged ex girlfriend, he would have let her had her own opinion about their mutual relationship, even if it congflicted with his opinion, which hes seems to believe is the correct opinion to have regarding this matter.
Well, let us hope for the best of health for Brodaway Lorimer and for a wquick recovery, or prefferably no recovery to be necessary whatsoever.
Broadway’s test results were much less than optimistic. She was diagonosed with a torn left novenualar gland and a shatter left aimoliar gland. These injureies would keep Broadway Lorimer out of basketball, for two years, unless a miracle of some sort occurred for Broadway Lorimer. Of course, no such miravcle occurred, actually the worst case scenario ended up happening. Brpoadway Lorimer was sidelined for three years due to her multiple career shattering injuries, and if the small, microscopic chance that she ever did return to pursue a baksetball career in the WNBA, her talent would have greatly diminished due to her injuries. Broadway decided to quit basketball, giving up on her child hood dream of becoming a professional women’s basketball player in the WNBA and also eventually making the United States of America Women’s Basketball (College and Professional- WNBA) Dream Team in the Olympic Games. She decided to pursue a career in politics. While still in Harvard, she majored in law and minored in economics. Broadway Lorimer received her Harvard degree of law at the very young age of nineteen,
working her butt off to earn enough credits to qualify for a Harvard degree of law. Once she had graduated from the Harvard School of Law, Broadway Lorimer received a job offer from a lawyers firm. She applied for the job and was the winning applicant. Broadway Lorimer was a lawyer for ten months, and at age twenty, she ran for Manhattan City Council and won. She served a two year term and then ran for Borough President. She won the Manhattan Borough President’s race in a landslide. She dropped out of her Manhattan Borough President’s job when the mayoral elections came around, ran in the elections, and this time, Broadway Lorimer just barely won, at age 24. She served a four year term, and then decided to run for Senator. Because of her popularity in the state of New York, and especially New York City, she was elected as a senator of New York at age 28. She served as a New York State Senator for a very slow and boring four years. At age 32, the first year Broadway Lorimer was eligible, Broadway Lorimer chose to declare herself as a candidate in the 2024 Presidential Election, running for the ever popular and ever amazing Democratic Party (Woo! Hoo! Woohoo!). She was chosen to be the Democratic representitive on the ballot for President of the United States of America in the year of 2024. She won the election by just one electoral vote and became the 2nd female president in United States of America’s long and illustrious history (The first being Hillary Clinton, who was president from 2008-2016, that is sooooooo obvious!! GO DEMOCRATS!!) The dream that Broadway Lorimer previously had was her true fate in the future, but before she found out that she was President of the United States, she woke up abruptly.
Broadway Lorimer rubbed her eyes. “Morning again?” she said, as she rose slowly from her bed, which was now distraught with the covers and pillows all over the bed and floor. “Ugh, it is Monday once again. Whoever invented Monday must not have dreamed that it would have become such a day of sheer misery for everyone who has a job or goes to school,” said Broadway Lorimer as she moved towards her closet and grabbed a suit and a suitable pair of pants. “Well, I guess I should be happy that I at least have a job,” said Broadway Lorimer, as she changed into her work clothes. Broadway walked towards her door and gave a quick tug at the doorknob, obviously opening the door. As she exited, she did a few more morning stretches, preparing for another one of those dreaded Mondays. After her daily morning stretches, she walked in a slouched manner towards the first floor bathroom. She again gave a quick, gentle tug at the brass doorknob, which obviously, once again, opened the bathroom door, allowing her to waltz inside. Once inside of her small, tiled bathroom, Broadway Lorimer hastily grabbed her toothbrush, wet the bristles a slight bit by just barely turning the sink on, then applied a few thick gooey blobs of her Colgate toothpaste, which was called “Cool Breeze” or something similar to that. She scrubbed each and every tooth, careful not to miss a spot, remembering when she had the cavity at age 14 and had to have her wisdom teeth pulled. After what she estimated was two minutes, Broadway Lorimer yanked the finely bristled toothbrush out of her mouth, shoved it into a cabinet above the bathroom sink, and grabbed a small bathroom cup from the same cabinet. Broadway Lorimer proceeded to fill the teensy tiny bathroom cup with the tap water which ran steadily out of the shiny metal faucet. Broadway Lorimer gulped down the tap water, swirled it around her mouth once… twice… a third time… and again a fourth time, just for good luck and good riddance. She tossed the cup into the small bathroom garbage can as if she was playing in the WNBA. Broadway Lorimer was a college basketball player with big hope for the future. She dreamed of one day playing on a team in the WNBA. One day, all of her dreams were shattered because of the “accident”.
*FLASHBACK*
Announcer: And Lorimer goes for the three pointer… and it is good!
Crowd: Woo hoo! Lor – i – Mer! Lor- i- Mer! Lor-i-Mer!
Announcer: This Harvard women’s team this year has just been incredible, all of these wins, though, seem to be coming straight from Broadway Lorimer, a crowd favorite and almost certainly the star player on this Harvard women’s team. Wait a minute, there is a guy rushing out of the stands, what is he doing? He has some sort of golf club in his hand. He just darted past security and down right into the court. He is going up to Broadway Lorimer, she is the star of the team, and OH MY GOD! HE JUST HIT HER ON BOTH KNEES WITH THE GOLF CLUB! How could he do that? Security is now finally able to get a hold of him. And now, there are loud boos coming from the crowd, the man with the golf club is having trash thrown at him by the fans, and the campus security guards are escorting the man out to their facility on the other site of the Harvard campus. And the Harvard University crowd is cheering as this terrible, terrible man is being sent off to the police station across campus. But now we all stand in quiet shock and the atrocity that has just occurred.
(Broadway Lorimer gets up out of her own will.)
Announcer: This must be a miracle! Broadway Lorimer, who was just viciously struck by a golf club wielding fan, is getting up out of her own will. I think she may be saying that she is okay. Yes, she is definitely saying she is okay, she is giving the thumbs up sign, we take that to mean that she is okay. So, wow, Broadway Lorimer was just struck very viciously with a solid metal golf club and is getting up out of her own will, with no help from anyone else whatsoever, and is saying she is totally fine. Well, I hope the doctors of this team think that Broadway Lorimer is okay too. Oh, wait, I was just handed a memo by one of my associates here at Harvard that says that the golf club wielding man who hit Broadway Lorimer has been identified as 19-year old Ralph Utica, who is a student here at Harvard University. It seems that this Ralph Utica may have been a disgruntled ex boyfriend of Broadway Lorimer’s from several years back who happened to hold a very, very, very, very, very, very…
Other Announcer: We get it Bob.
Announcer: very very very big grudge against Broadway Lorimer due to their very abrupt breakup. What a shame though. If Ralph Utica really respected Broadway Lorimer, who we, as we previously have mentioned several times, was his very estranged ex girlfriend, he would have let her had her own opinion about their mutual relationship, even if it congflicted with his opinion, which hes seems to believe is the correct opinion to have regarding this matter.
Well, let us hope for the best of health for Brodaway Lorimer and for a wquick recovery, or prefferably no recovery to be necessary whatsoever.
Broadway’s test results were much less than optimistic. She was diagonosed with a torn left novenualar gland and a shatter left aimoliar gland. These injureies would keep Broadway Lorimer out of basketball, for two years, unless a miracle of some sort occurred for Broadway Lorimer. Of course, no such miravcle occurred, actually the worst case scenario ended up happening. Brpoadway Lorimer was sidelined for three years due to her multiple career shattering injuries, and if the small, microscopic chance that she ever did return to pursue a baksetball career in the WNBA, her talent would have greatly diminished due to her injuries. Broadway decided to quit basketball, giving up on her child hood dream of becoming a professional women’s basketball player in the WNBA and also eventually making the United States of America Women’s Basketball (College and Professional- WNBA) Dream Team in the Olympic Games. She decided to pursue a career in politics. While still in Harvard, she majored in law and minored in economics. Broadway Lorimer received her Harvard degree of law at the very young age of nineteen,
working her butt off to earn enough credits to qualify for a Harvard degree of law. Once she had graduated from the Harvard School of Law, Broadway Lorimer received a job offer from a lawyers firm. She applied for the job and was the winning applicant. Broadway Lorimer was a lawyer for ten months, and at age twenty, she ran for Manhattan City Council and won. She served a two year term and then ran for Borough President. She won the Manhattan Borough President’s race in a landslide. She dropped out of her Manhattan Borough President’s job when the mayoral elections came around, ran in the elections, and this time, Broadway Lorimer just barely won, at age 24. She served a four year term, and then decided to run for Senator. Because of her popularity in the state of New York, and especially New York City, she was elected as a senator of New York at age 28. She served as a New York State Senator for a very slow and boring four years. At age 32, the first year Broadway Lorimer was eligible, Broadway Lorimer chose to declare herself as a candidate in the 2024 Presidential Election, running for the ever popular and ever amazing Democratic Party (Woo! Hoo! Woohoo!). She was chosen to be the Democratic representitive on the ballot for President of the United States of America in the year of 2024. She won the election by just one electoral vote and became the 2nd female president in United States of America’s long and illustrious history (The first being Hillary Clinton, who was president from 2008-2016, that is sooooooo obvious!! GO DEMOCRATS!!) The dream that Broadway Lorimer previously had was her true fate in the future, but before she found out that she was President of the United States, she woke up abruptly.
Chapter 4 of My Attempt at a Novel
Chapter 4: Mr. Pibb+Red Vines= Crazy Delicious
As the plane launched, Flushing Shea sipped from his delicious Pibb XTRA and Broadway Lorimer devoured her delicious Red Vines.
Flushing Shea: Hey Broadway.
Broadway Lorimer: What, Flushing?
Flushing Shea: Well, since I’m drinking Mr. Pibb
Broadway Lorimer: Do not say it, Flushing.
Flushing Shea: And since you are eating Red Vines
Broadway Lorimer: Flushing Shea, don’t you dare say it!
Flushing Shea: I think we both agree that the current situation makes it necessary to state the fact that…
Broadway Lorimer: Flushing Shea, you are so dead if you say it.
Flushing Shea: Mr. Pibb and Red Vines equals crazy delicious!
(Broadway Lorimer proceeds to punch Flushing Shea right in the mouth, an obvious sign of her disapproval of his quoting of a famous Saturday Night Live comedy sketch from a few years ago.)
Flushing Shea: Broadway Lorimer, I thought you considered me to be one of your friends who happened to be more than fairly close with you, why, for the love of Fig Newtons, would you punch me in an area as sensitive as my mouth and jaw area?
Broadway Lorimer: Flushing Shea, you still do remain as one of my greater and closer friends, that mutual friendship is most certainly not in jeopardy here, but my sanity was in jeopardy in the situation which happened before, when you mentioned a commonly used quote from the Lazy Sunday sketch which aired on Saturday Night Live in that beautiful year of two zero zero five- or 2005, which is the way you and most other normal Americans and normal denizens of other countries would pronounce that year.
Flushing Shea: But Broadway Lorimer, why do you pronounce that great, beautiful year of 2005 as two zero zero five and not 2005, like, as you mentioned previously in my post injury conversation with you, most Americans and denizens of other countries on the face of this beautiful planet that we all presently live on, which we, or at least the majority of us, call the planet Earth?
Broadway Lorimer: Because me and my family are totally rich, and totally rich people do not speak like the non rich people.
(Editor’s Note: The opinions just expressed by fictional character Broadway Lorimer are not necessarily reflective of the author’s opinion, which is that rich people should not speak at all. Thank you for your time, and we hope you enjoy the rest of the novel.)
Flushing Shea: Uh, there is not that much to talk about now, Broadway Lorimer
Broadway Lorimer: Uh, I do not know what we can talk about, Flushing Shea.
Flushing Shea: Wait a minute, are you thinking what I am thinking?
Broadway Lorimer: I think so!
Broadway Lorimer and Flushing Shea (singing, in unison):
Just a small town girl
Livin' in a lonely world
She took the midnight train
Goin' anywhere
Just a city boy
Born and raised in South Detroit
He took the midnight train
Goin' anywhere
A singer in a smokey room
A smell of wine and cheap perfume
For a smile they can share the night
It goes on and on and on and on
Strangers waiting
Up and down the boulevard
Their shadows searching
In the night
Streetlights, people
Livin' just to find emotion
Hidin', somewhere in the night
Workin' hard to get my fill
Everybody wants a thrill
Payin' anything to roll the dice
Just one more time
Some will win
Some will lose
Some were born to sing the blues
Oh, the movie never ends
It goes on and on and on and on
Strangers waiting
Up and down the boulevard
Their shadows searching
In the night
Streetlights, people
Livin' just to find emotion
Hidin', somewhere in the night
[Instrumental Interlude]
Don't stop believin'
Hold on to the feelin'
Streetlights, people
Don't stop believin'
Hold on
Streetlights, people
Flushing Shea: That was awesome!!!
Broadway Lorimer: I know. Let’s sing American Pie now!!!
Flushing Shea and Broadway Lorimer (Singing once again, still in unison):
A long, long time ago...
I can still remember
How that music used to make me smile.
And I knew if I had my chance
That I could make those people dance
And, maybe, they’d be happy for a while.
But february made me shiver
With every paper I’d deliver.
Bad news on the doorstep;
I couldn’t take one more step.
I can’t remember if I cried
When I read about his widowed bride,
But something touched me deep inside
The day the music died.
So bye-bye, miss american pie.
Drove my chevy to the levee,
But the levee was dry.
And them good old boys were drinkin’ whiskey and rye
Singin’, "this’ll be the day that I die.
"this’ll be the day that I die."
Did you write the book of love,
And do you have faith in God above,
If the Bible tells you so?
Do you believe in rock ’n roll,
Can music save your mortal soul,
And can you teach me how to dance real slow?
Well, I know that you’re in love with him
`cause I saw you dancin’ in the gym.
You both kicked off your shoes.
Man, I dig those rhythm and blues.
I was a lonely teenage broncin’ buck
With a pink carnation and a pickup truck,
But I knew I was out of luck
The day the music died.
I started singin’,
"bye-bye, miss american pie."
Drove my chevy to the levee,
But the levee was dry.
Them good old boys were drinkin’ whiskey and rye
And singin’, "this’ll be the day that I die.
"this’ll be the day that I die."
Now for ten years we’ve been on our own
And moss grows fat on a rollin’ stone,
But that’s not how it used to be.
When the jester sang for the king and queen,
In a coat he borrowed from james dean
And a voice that came from you and me,
Oh, and while the king was looking down,
The jester stole his thorny crown.
The courtroom was adjourned;
No verdict was returned.
And while lennon read a book of marx,
The quartet practiced in the park,
And we sang dirges in the dark
The day the music died.
We were singing,
"bye-bye, miss american pie."
Drove my chevy to the levee,
But the levee was dry.
Them good old boys were drinkin’ whiskey and rye
And singin’, "this’ll be the day that I die.
"this’ll be the day that I die."
Helter skelter in a summer swelter.
The birds flew off with a fallout shelter,
Eight miles high and falling fast.
It landed foul on the grass.
The players tried for a forward pass,
With the jester on the sidelines in a cast.
Now the half-time air was sweet perfume
While the sergeants played a marching tune.
We all got up to dance,
Oh, but we never got the chance!
`cause the players tried to take the field;
The marching band refused to yield.
Do you recall what was revealed
The day the music died?
We started singing,
"bye-bye, miss american pie."
Drove my chevy to the levee,
But the levee was dry.
Them good old boys were drinkin’ whiskey and rye
And singin’, "this’ll be the day that I die.
"this’ll be the day that I die."
Oh, and there we were all in one place,
A generation lost in space
With no time left to start again.
So come on: jack be nimble, jack be quick!
Jack flash sat on a candlestick
Cause fire is the devil’s only friend.
Oh, and as I watched him on the stage
My hands were clenched in fists of rage.
No angel born in hell
Could break that satan’s spell.
And as the flames climbed high into the night
To light the sacrificial rite,
I saw satan laughing with delight
The day the music died
He was singing,
"bye-bye, miss american pie."
Drove my chevy to the levee,
But the levee was dry.
Them good old boys were drinkin’ whiskey and rye
And singin’, "this’ll be the day that I die.
"this’ll be the day that I die."
I met a girl who sang the blues
And I asked her for some happy news,
But she just smiled and turned away.
I went down to the sacred store
Where I’d heard the music years before,
But the man there said the music wouldn’t play.
And in the streets: the children screamed,
The lovers cried, and the poets dreamed.
But not a word was spoken;
The church bells all were broken.
And the three men I admire most:
The father, son, and the holy ghost,
They caught the last train for the coast
The day the music died.
And they were singing,
"bye-bye, miss american pie."
Drove my chevy to the levee,
But the levee was dry.
And them good old boys were drinkin’ whiskey and rye
Singin’, "this’ll be the day that I die.
"this’ll be the day that I die."
They were singing,
"bye-bye, miss american pie."
Drove my chevy to the levee,
But the levee was dry.
Them good old boys were drinkin’ whiskey and rye
Singin’, "this’ll be the day that I die."
Broadway Lorimer: That was a fun sing a long. I am going to take a little nap now.
Broadway Lorimer then took a nap. (Note: Broadway is asleep. The following events did not actually occur. If you couldn’t understand this plot twist- please put this novel down and go pick up the closest Curious George book.And some Mr. Pibb while you are at it. Wait, one thing, I think they might call Mr. Pibb Pibb XTRA now, so do not ask for Mr. Pibb at the soda store, ask for Pibb XTRA)
End of Chapter 4.
Chapter 4 Footnotes:
If you have not bought your Mr Pibb yet, put down this novel. I am not joking, I am so serious. I will not allow any Mr. Pibb haters to read this novel, which is now officially sponsored by Mr. Pibb. So now the novel will be written through the Pibb O Vision decoder. Everyone who was Pibb O Vision, please swipe your Pibb O Vision club ID card into the spine of this book while the Pibb Haters look at nonsense words.
OOGIE BOOGIE! LOLOL BUY MRR PIBBB ANMD U CAN READ REALL WRDS NOT THE FAKE WORCDS WTAT U HAV TO RED BECUZ YOU DIDN BIY MR PIBBBBBBBBBBBB!! LOL OL OL L OL OL OL OL.
Okay, now that we got rid of those Pibb Haters, I will allow you to continue reading this amazing novel which was written by me (Note: That’s why it is so amazing.).
As the plane launched, Flushing Shea sipped from his delicious Pibb XTRA and Broadway Lorimer devoured her delicious Red Vines.
Flushing Shea: Hey Broadway.
Broadway Lorimer: What, Flushing?
Flushing Shea: Well, since I’m drinking Mr. Pibb
Broadway Lorimer: Do not say it, Flushing.
Flushing Shea: And since you are eating Red Vines
Broadway Lorimer: Flushing Shea, don’t you dare say it!
Flushing Shea: I think we both agree that the current situation makes it necessary to state the fact that…
Broadway Lorimer: Flushing Shea, you are so dead if you say it.
Flushing Shea: Mr. Pibb and Red Vines equals crazy delicious!
(Broadway Lorimer proceeds to punch Flushing Shea right in the mouth, an obvious sign of her disapproval of his quoting of a famous Saturday Night Live comedy sketch from a few years ago.)
Flushing Shea: Broadway Lorimer, I thought you considered me to be one of your friends who happened to be more than fairly close with you, why, for the love of Fig Newtons, would you punch me in an area as sensitive as my mouth and jaw area?
Broadway Lorimer: Flushing Shea, you still do remain as one of my greater and closer friends, that mutual friendship is most certainly not in jeopardy here, but my sanity was in jeopardy in the situation which happened before, when you mentioned a commonly used quote from the Lazy Sunday sketch which aired on Saturday Night Live in that beautiful year of two zero zero five- or 2005, which is the way you and most other normal Americans and normal denizens of other countries would pronounce that year.
Flushing Shea: But Broadway Lorimer, why do you pronounce that great, beautiful year of 2005 as two zero zero five and not 2005, like, as you mentioned previously in my post injury conversation with you, most Americans and denizens of other countries on the face of this beautiful planet that we all presently live on, which we, or at least the majority of us, call the planet Earth?
Broadway Lorimer: Because me and my family are totally rich, and totally rich people do not speak like the non rich people.
(Editor’s Note: The opinions just expressed by fictional character Broadway Lorimer are not necessarily reflective of the author’s opinion, which is that rich people should not speak at all. Thank you for your time, and we hope you enjoy the rest of the novel.)
Flushing Shea: Uh, there is not that much to talk about now, Broadway Lorimer
Broadway Lorimer: Uh, I do not know what we can talk about, Flushing Shea.
Flushing Shea: Wait a minute, are you thinking what I am thinking?
Broadway Lorimer: I think so!
Broadway Lorimer and Flushing Shea (singing, in unison):
Just a small town girl
Livin' in a lonely world
She took the midnight train
Goin' anywhere
Just a city boy
Born and raised in South Detroit
He took the midnight train
Goin' anywhere
A singer in a smokey room
A smell of wine and cheap perfume
For a smile they can share the night
It goes on and on and on and on
Strangers waiting
Up and down the boulevard
Their shadows searching
In the night
Streetlights, people
Livin' just to find emotion
Hidin', somewhere in the night
Workin' hard to get my fill
Everybody wants a thrill
Payin' anything to roll the dice
Just one more time
Some will win
Some will lose
Some were born to sing the blues
Oh, the movie never ends
It goes on and on and on and on
Strangers waiting
Up and down the boulevard
Their shadows searching
In the night
Streetlights, people
Livin' just to find emotion
Hidin', somewhere in the night
[Instrumental Interlude]
Don't stop believin'
Hold on to the feelin'
Streetlights, people
Don't stop believin'
Hold on
Streetlights, people
Flushing Shea: That was awesome!!!
Broadway Lorimer: I know. Let’s sing American Pie now!!!
Flushing Shea and Broadway Lorimer (Singing once again, still in unison):
A long, long time ago...
I can still remember
How that music used to make me smile.
And I knew if I had my chance
That I could make those people dance
And, maybe, they’d be happy for a while.
But february made me shiver
With every paper I’d deliver.
Bad news on the doorstep;
I couldn’t take one more step.
I can’t remember if I cried
When I read about his widowed bride,
But something touched me deep inside
The day the music died.
So bye-bye, miss american pie.
Drove my chevy to the levee,
But the levee was dry.
And them good old boys were drinkin’ whiskey and rye
Singin’, "this’ll be the day that I die.
"this’ll be the day that I die."
Did you write the book of love,
And do you have faith in God above,
If the Bible tells you so?
Do you believe in rock ’n roll,
Can music save your mortal soul,
And can you teach me how to dance real slow?
Well, I know that you’re in love with him
`cause I saw you dancin’ in the gym.
You both kicked off your shoes.
Man, I dig those rhythm and blues.
I was a lonely teenage broncin’ buck
With a pink carnation and a pickup truck,
But I knew I was out of luck
The day the music died.
I started singin’,
"bye-bye, miss american pie."
Drove my chevy to the levee,
But the levee was dry.
Them good old boys were drinkin’ whiskey and rye
And singin’, "this’ll be the day that I die.
"this’ll be the day that I die."
Now for ten years we’ve been on our own
And moss grows fat on a rollin’ stone,
But that’s not how it used to be.
When the jester sang for the king and queen,
In a coat he borrowed from james dean
And a voice that came from you and me,
Oh, and while the king was looking down,
The jester stole his thorny crown.
The courtroom was adjourned;
No verdict was returned.
And while lennon read a book of marx,
The quartet practiced in the park,
And we sang dirges in the dark
The day the music died.
We were singing,
"bye-bye, miss american pie."
Drove my chevy to the levee,
But the levee was dry.
Them good old boys were drinkin’ whiskey and rye
And singin’, "this’ll be the day that I die.
"this’ll be the day that I die."
Helter skelter in a summer swelter.
The birds flew off with a fallout shelter,
Eight miles high and falling fast.
It landed foul on the grass.
The players tried for a forward pass,
With the jester on the sidelines in a cast.
Now the half-time air was sweet perfume
While the sergeants played a marching tune.
We all got up to dance,
Oh, but we never got the chance!
`cause the players tried to take the field;
The marching band refused to yield.
Do you recall what was revealed
The day the music died?
We started singing,
"bye-bye, miss american pie."
Drove my chevy to the levee,
But the levee was dry.
Them good old boys were drinkin’ whiskey and rye
And singin’, "this’ll be the day that I die.
"this’ll be the day that I die."
Oh, and there we were all in one place,
A generation lost in space
With no time left to start again.
So come on: jack be nimble, jack be quick!
Jack flash sat on a candlestick
Cause fire is the devil’s only friend.
Oh, and as I watched him on the stage
My hands were clenched in fists of rage.
No angel born in hell
Could break that satan’s spell.
And as the flames climbed high into the night
To light the sacrificial rite,
I saw satan laughing with delight
The day the music died
He was singing,
"bye-bye, miss american pie."
Drove my chevy to the levee,
But the levee was dry.
Them good old boys were drinkin’ whiskey and rye
And singin’, "this’ll be the day that I die.
"this’ll be the day that I die."
I met a girl who sang the blues
And I asked her for some happy news,
But she just smiled and turned away.
I went down to the sacred store
Where I’d heard the music years before,
But the man there said the music wouldn’t play.
And in the streets: the children screamed,
The lovers cried, and the poets dreamed.
But not a word was spoken;
The church bells all were broken.
And the three men I admire most:
The father, son, and the holy ghost,
They caught the last train for the coast
The day the music died.
And they were singing,
"bye-bye, miss american pie."
Drove my chevy to the levee,
But the levee was dry.
And them good old boys were drinkin’ whiskey and rye
Singin’, "this’ll be the day that I die.
"this’ll be the day that I die."
They were singing,
"bye-bye, miss american pie."
Drove my chevy to the levee,
But the levee was dry.
Them good old boys were drinkin’ whiskey and rye
Singin’, "this’ll be the day that I die."
Broadway Lorimer: That was a fun sing a long. I am going to take a little nap now.
Broadway Lorimer then took a nap. (Note: Broadway is asleep. The following events did not actually occur. If you couldn’t understand this plot twist- please put this novel down and go pick up the closest Curious George book.And some Mr. Pibb while you are at it. Wait, one thing, I think they might call Mr. Pibb Pibb XTRA now, so do not ask for Mr. Pibb at the soda store, ask for Pibb XTRA)
End of Chapter 4.
Chapter 4 Footnotes:
If you have not bought your Mr Pibb yet, put down this novel. I am not joking, I am so serious. I will not allow any Mr. Pibb haters to read this novel, which is now officially sponsored by Mr. Pibb. So now the novel will be written through the Pibb O Vision decoder. Everyone who was Pibb O Vision, please swipe your Pibb O Vision club ID card into the spine of this book while the Pibb Haters look at nonsense words.
OOGIE BOOGIE! LOLOL BUY MRR PIBBB ANMD U CAN READ REALL WRDS NOT THE FAKE WORCDS WTAT U HAV TO RED BECUZ YOU DIDN BIY MR PIBBBBBBBBBBBB!! LOL OL OL L OL OL OL OL.
Okay, now that we got rid of those Pibb Haters, I will allow you to continue reading this amazing novel which was written by me (Note: That’s why it is so amazing.).
Chapter 3 of My Attempt at a Novel
Chapter 3: We’re on A Bridge, Charlie!
Broadway Lorimer: Why is your face suggesting that you are flabbergasted?
Flushing Shea: Because I am flabbergasted at the moment.
Broadway: Why?
Flushing: Because this bridge to Canada appears to be several miles long.
Broadway: Why?
Flushing: Because I am guesstimating.
Broadway: Why?
Flushing: Because I like to use the word guesstimating.
Broadway: Why?
Flushing: Because it is a portmanteau of the words “guess” and “estimating”.
Broadway: Why?
Flushing: Because those words are clearly visible in the aforementioned portmanteau.
Broadway: Why?
Flushing: Stop asking why you moron!
Broadway: You’re a moron!
Flushing: No, you are!
Broadway: No, you are!
Flushing: No, you are!
Broadway: No! You-
Graham Lorimer: You both are morons!
Flushing: Graham Lorimer!
Graham Lorimer: That’s me!
Broadway Lorimer: Dad, what are you doing here?
Graham Lorimer: I came to drive you across the bridge. I once was a NASCAR driver.
Flushing Shea: Wow, your dad is really awesome.
Broadway Lorimer: Wait, did you see my mom yet?
Flushing Shea: No.
(Nassau Lorimer suddenly flies up to the bridge)
Nassau Lorimer: I heard someone say my name!
Broadway Lorimer: It’s nothing Mom. I was just telling my friend Flushing Shea how mega cool you are.
Nassau Lorimer: Thanks for advertising my coolness, Broadway.
(Nassau Lorimer flies back down to the driveway)
Flushing Shea: Broadway, I have one question: Is Broadway your real name?
Broadway Lorimer: Yeah. It was named after the subway station where I was born.
Flushing Shea: Wow, that is really interesting. I’m named after a subway station. And this guy who works on this phone line with a long winded title that I just spoke to a couple of hours ago also is named after two consecutive subway stations.
Graham Lorimer: Stop the chatter, kids! It’s time to drive to Canada NASCAR style!
(Graham Lorimer’s NASCAR car breaks down once it turns on.)
Graham Lorimer: I’ll go get the airplane, children. Keep control of yourselves until I am back.
Broadway Lorimer: Okay, Dad. Hurry back.
(Graham gets the plane.)
10 minutes later…
Graham Lorimer: Okay kids , are we ready to go on an airplane adventure to a cross breeding pregnancy help clinic in Canada.
Everyone in Unison: Yeah! Canada! Canada! Canada!
Graham Lorimer: Flushing, there was one thing that I needed to tell you.
Flushing Shea: Well, what would that be?
Graham Lorimer: You can’t bring snakes on this plane.
Flushing Shea: Why can’t I bring DeKalb, my snake, on your plane?
Graham Lorimer: Because I wet my pants when I watched the movie Snakes on a Plane!
Flushing Shea: Okay, this is getting kind of awkward.
Graham Lorimer: Yeah, I agree with you, Flushing.
Flushing Shea: So can I just keep DeKalb in the cargo area of the airplane which belongs to your family? Feel free to say no, it’s your airplane, so you get to choose which, if any, slimy invertabrates get to travel along with you guys.
Graham Lorimer: Yeah, you can just put him in the cargo area. The flight’s only 5 minutes or so.
(The group enters the plane)
Graham Lorimer: Hello, this is your captain speaking. I have to warn all passengers on this Flight- Flight 1- nonstop from the Lorimer residence to a cross breeding pregnancy help clinic in Canada- we happen to have a Pacific Diamondback Rattlesnake aboard today on this flight- and we thought you should know- since you guys are the reason that Lorimer Airlines is still in business. I mean, remember all of those insider trading controversies in the 80s? And remember that year when we served our passengers cat food on the airline and they never noticed? What was that? 1999? Remember when we left that whole flight and its passengers on the tarmac for 67 days in 2005 and then all of the company got arrested except for me? And remember-
Broadway Lorimer- Dad, just fly the gosh darn plane!
Graham Lorimer- I will gladly fly the gosh darn plane, because here at Lorimer Airlines, customers are our greatest priority.
Broadway Lorimer- Okay, fly the plane then.
Graham Lorimer: Gladly. Flight attendants prepare for takeoff.
Broadway Lorimer: There’s no flight attendants! This is a private plane!
Graham Lorimer: Fine. The seatbelts light is on, and that is the signal for all passengers to put on their seatbelts. We will be taking off shortly.
Flushing Shea: Okay, now let’s go to Canada!
Broadway Lorimer: Canada!
Graham Lorimer: Canada!
DeKalb: Hiss! (Loosely Translated: Canada!)
Jefferson: Arf! Arf! (Loosely Translated: Canada!)
So they went to Canada. Woopie! Keep reading through the next chapter if you want to know whether Graham, Broadway, Flushing, DeKalb, and Jefferson get to the cross breeding pregnancies help clinic or whether something totally retarded and unexpected happens. I mean, this is a humorous novel, so I can throw in some really, really retarded curveballs and cliffhangers whenever I choose to. I am also the author of this novel. How about you try to write a 50,000 word novel in November! I dare you to! Maybe I am just having this long fourth wall breaking monologue so I can reach fifty thousand words easier. Nah, if I was doing that, I would be talking about Mr. Pibb. Actually, Mr. Pibb is really good. I should work that into the next chapter, which would be Chapter 4, dummy. OK, now I know the title of Chapter 4! Woopie! Okay, it’s Chapter 4 Title Time! Maybe I will decide to break the fourth wall again in the fourth chapter by having another one of my world famous fourth wall breaking monologues with my readers. But seriously, before I reveal the title of the next chapter, get yourself some Mr. Pibb. You seriously need to buy Mr. Pibb. I’ll wait. Okay, go ahead and buy it! Tell them Mike sent you! Maybe I’ll get money if you tell them that. Money which I could use to buy more Mr. Pibb. So, to officially end this fourth wall breaking monologue (my first of many fourth wall breaking monologues), the official title of the fourth chapter of this novel is…
Broadway Lorimer: Why is your face suggesting that you are flabbergasted?
Flushing Shea: Because I am flabbergasted at the moment.
Broadway: Why?
Flushing: Because this bridge to Canada appears to be several miles long.
Broadway: Why?
Flushing: Because I am guesstimating.
Broadway: Why?
Flushing: Because I like to use the word guesstimating.
Broadway: Why?
Flushing: Because it is a portmanteau of the words “guess” and “estimating”.
Broadway: Why?
Flushing: Because those words are clearly visible in the aforementioned portmanteau.
Broadway: Why?
Flushing: Stop asking why you moron!
Broadway: You’re a moron!
Flushing: No, you are!
Broadway: No, you are!
Flushing: No, you are!
Broadway: No! You-
Graham Lorimer: You both are morons!
Flushing: Graham Lorimer!
Graham Lorimer: That’s me!
Broadway Lorimer: Dad, what are you doing here?
Graham Lorimer: I came to drive you across the bridge. I once was a NASCAR driver.
Flushing Shea: Wow, your dad is really awesome.
Broadway Lorimer: Wait, did you see my mom yet?
Flushing Shea: No.
(Nassau Lorimer suddenly flies up to the bridge)
Nassau Lorimer: I heard someone say my name!
Broadway Lorimer: It’s nothing Mom. I was just telling my friend Flushing Shea how mega cool you are.
Nassau Lorimer: Thanks for advertising my coolness, Broadway.
(Nassau Lorimer flies back down to the driveway)
Flushing Shea: Broadway, I have one question: Is Broadway your real name?
Broadway Lorimer: Yeah. It was named after the subway station where I was born.
Flushing Shea: Wow, that is really interesting. I’m named after a subway station. And this guy who works on this phone line with a long winded title that I just spoke to a couple of hours ago also is named after two consecutive subway stations.
Graham Lorimer: Stop the chatter, kids! It’s time to drive to Canada NASCAR style!
(Graham Lorimer’s NASCAR car breaks down once it turns on.)
Graham Lorimer: I’ll go get the airplane, children. Keep control of yourselves until I am back.
Broadway Lorimer: Okay, Dad. Hurry back.
(Graham gets the plane.)
10 minutes later…
Graham Lorimer: Okay kids , are we ready to go on an airplane adventure to a cross breeding pregnancy help clinic in Canada.
Everyone in Unison: Yeah! Canada! Canada! Canada!
Graham Lorimer: Flushing, there was one thing that I needed to tell you.
Flushing Shea: Well, what would that be?
Graham Lorimer: You can’t bring snakes on this plane.
Flushing Shea: Why can’t I bring DeKalb, my snake, on your plane?
Graham Lorimer: Because I wet my pants when I watched the movie Snakes on a Plane!
Flushing Shea: Okay, this is getting kind of awkward.
Graham Lorimer: Yeah, I agree with you, Flushing.
Flushing Shea: So can I just keep DeKalb in the cargo area of the airplane which belongs to your family? Feel free to say no, it’s your airplane, so you get to choose which, if any, slimy invertabrates get to travel along with you guys.
Graham Lorimer: Yeah, you can just put him in the cargo area. The flight’s only 5 minutes or so.
(The group enters the plane)
Graham Lorimer: Hello, this is your captain speaking. I have to warn all passengers on this Flight- Flight 1- nonstop from the Lorimer residence to a cross breeding pregnancy help clinic in Canada- we happen to have a Pacific Diamondback Rattlesnake aboard today on this flight- and we thought you should know- since you guys are the reason that Lorimer Airlines is still in business. I mean, remember all of those insider trading controversies in the 80s? And remember that year when we served our passengers cat food on the airline and they never noticed? What was that? 1999? Remember when we left that whole flight and its passengers on the tarmac for 67 days in 2005 and then all of the company got arrested except for me? And remember-
Broadway Lorimer- Dad, just fly the gosh darn plane!
Graham Lorimer- I will gladly fly the gosh darn plane, because here at Lorimer Airlines, customers are our greatest priority.
Broadway Lorimer- Okay, fly the plane then.
Graham Lorimer: Gladly. Flight attendants prepare for takeoff.
Broadway Lorimer: There’s no flight attendants! This is a private plane!
Graham Lorimer: Fine. The seatbelts light is on, and that is the signal for all passengers to put on their seatbelts. We will be taking off shortly.
Flushing Shea: Okay, now let’s go to Canada!
Broadway Lorimer: Canada!
Graham Lorimer: Canada!
DeKalb: Hiss! (Loosely Translated: Canada!)
Jefferson: Arf! Arf! (Loosely Translated: Canada!)
So they went to Canada. Woopie! Keep reading through the next chapter if you want to know whether Graham, Broadway, Flushing, DeKalb, and Jefferson get to the cross breeding pregnancies help clinic or whether something totally retarded and unexpected happens. I mean, this is a humorous novel, so I can throw in some really, really retarded curveballs and cliffhangers whenever I choose to. I am also the author of this novel. How about you try to write a 50,000 word novel in November! I dare you to! Maybe I am just having this long fourth wall breaking monologue so I can reach fifty thousand words easier. Nah, if I was doing that, I would be talking about Mr. Pibb. Actually, Mr. Pibb is really good. I should work that into the next chapter, which would be Chapter 4, dummy. OK, now I know the title of Chapter 4! Woopie! Okay, it’s Chapter 4 Title Time! Maybe I will decide to break the fourth wall again in the fourth chapter by having another one of my world famous fourth wall breaking monologues with my readers. But seriously, before I reveal the title of the next chapter, get yourself some Mr. Pibb. You seriously need to buy Mr. Pibb. I’ll wait. Okay, go ahead and buy it! Tell them Mike sent you! Maybe I’ll get money if you tell them that. Money which I could use to buy more Mr. Pibb. So, to officially end this fourth wall breaking monologue (my first of many fourth wall breaking monologues), the official title of the fourth chapter of this novel is…
Chapter 2 of My Attempt at a Novel
Chapter 2: For the Love of Fig Newtons, Don’t Let DeKalb and Jefferson Cross Breed!!!
“I should show you my house,” said Broadway Lorimer to Flushing Shea. “OK,” responded Flushing Shea. “Just leave the snake out here. It can hang out with Jefferson,” said Broadway Lorimer. “OK, I’ll just put him down right over here,” said Flushing Shea while placing DeKalb right next to Jefferson as he went into the Lorimer residence.As Flushing walked inside, he was flabbergasted at the fact that it must have been at least three times as big as his house right next door. Once Flushing Shea and Broadway Lorimer got up to the 97th floor in the Lorimer residence, Flushing noticed an UltraMax 7500X Telescope pointing towards a window. Flushing Shea took a very long and very puzzled look at the telescope, ultimately wondering why in the world someone would put a high powered telescope pointing right towards his house. “That is not your house,” said Broadway Lorimer, “That’s the White House.” “Wow, your house is pretty darn big,” replied a now not confused Flushing Shea. “How did you not even notice they were building it?” replied the now confused Broadway Lorimer. “I do not think I have any windows on that side of my house, so I thought my house was the only house in the borough of Manhattan,” replied Flushing Shea, trying to clear up the confusion. Flushing Shea then decided to look through the UltraMax 7500X Telescope on the 47th Floor of the Lorimer residence to see how DeKalb and Jefferson were doing. So Flushing Shea and Broadway Lorimer took the jet powered super elevator down to the fourty seventh floor. They then searched desperately for the one room out of fifty seven rooms that had the UltraMax 7500X Telescope pointing towards DeKalb and Jefferson. Broadway Lorimer grabbed her electronic pocket map to her house out of her right pocket of her blue denim jeans and clicked “Search For Telescope”. When prompted to choose the floor she was searching for, she, for clearly obvious reasons, entered “Forty Seventh Floor” into the search box. The electronic pocket map then guided Broadway Lorimer and Flushing Shea towards the incredibly miniscule storage room with the teensy tiny window which the telescope peered right out of. Flushing Shea and Broadway Lorimer just barely were able to both fit in the room. Once Flushing Shea and Broadway Lorimer were in the room, Flushing Shea peered through the UltraMax 7500X Telescope to where Jefferson and DeKalb were hanging out. When Flushing Shea spied on the dog and snake’s activities, he was shocked. “Oh no! They’re trying to cross breed!” loudly exclaimed Flushing Shea, startling Broadway Lorimer. The two sprinted into the elevator, got inside of the elevator, and proceeded to press the button that would send the elevator hurtling down to the 1st floor. The elevator then, as expected, proceeded to hurtle down to the 1st floor of the Lorimer residence. As Flushing Shea and Broadway Lorimer exited the elevator, they darted out of the gargantuan front door and down the front steps only to find that their worst nightmare had been confirmed. Jefferson and DeKalb cross breeded. “Uh oh,” said Flushing Shea, “An expert on Pacific Diamondback Rattlesnakes once told me something like this…”
“Flushing: Why can’t DeKalb go outside? Snakes love the outside!
Freeman: If DeKalb leaves into the open world, he could cross breed with other animals, and might end up creating some sort of mutated squirrel with 5 legs or a dog that shoots lazer beams out of its mouth.”
“Well that would never happen,” said Broadway Lorimer,”Dogs can’t shoot lazer beams out of their mouth.” “I do know a place that deals with cross breed pregnancies.” said Flushing Shea. “Where is this place you speak of?” replied Broadway Lorimer. “Canada.” replied Flushing Shea. “Well then I guess we are going on a trip to Canada!” said Broadway Lorimer. “But how in the world we we get to Canada?” responded Flushing Shea. “Do not worry,” responded an extremely calm Broadway Lorimer, “There’s a bridge off of the 172nd floor that leads right there.” So Flushing Shea, Broadway Lorimer, DeKalb, and Jefferson all walked into the mega fast super elevator on the 1st floor. Flushing Shea then pressed the button for the 172nd floor of the Lorimer residence, and the mega fast super elevator began hurtling upwards towards the 172nd floor of the Lorimer residence. Once Flushing Shea, Broadway Lorimer, DeKalb, and Jefferson reached the 172nd floor, they immediately searched for that fabled bridge in the
Lorimer residence which led to Canada. After searching around aimlessly for a total of thirty five minutes and thirty seven seconds, Broadway Lorimer finally stumbled upon the bridge to Canada. The bridge appeared to be several miles long. Flushing Shea stood in front of it flabbergasted.
“I should show you my house,” said Broadway Lorimer to Flushing Shea. “OK,” responded Flushing Shea. “Just leave the snake out here. It can hang out with Jefferson,” said Broadway Lorimer. “OK, I’ll just put him down right over here,” said Flushing Shea while placing DeKalb right next to Jefferson as he went into the Lorimer residence.As Flushing walked inside, he was flabbergasted at the fact that it must have been at least three times as big as his house right next door. Once Flushing Shea and Broadway Lorimer got up to the 97th floor in the Lorimer residence, Flushing noticed an UltraMax 7500X Telescope pointing towards a window. Flushing Shea took a very long and very puzzled look at the telescope, ultimately wondering why in the world someone would put a high powered telescope pointing right towards his house. “That is not your house,” said Broadway Lorimer, “That’s the White House.” “Wow, your house is pretty darn big,” replied a now not confused Flushing Shea. “How did you not even notice they were building it?” replied the now confused Broadway Lorimer. “I do not think I have any windows on that side of my house, so I thought my house was the only house in the borough of Manhattan,” replied Flushing Shea, trying to clear up the confusion. Flushing Shea then decided to look through the UltraMax 7500X Telescope on the 47th Floor of the Lorimer residence to see how DeKalb and Jefferson were doing. So Flushing Shea and Broadway Lorimer took the jet powered super elevator down to the fourty seventh floor. They then searched desperately for the one room out of fifty seven rooms that had the UltraMax 7500X Telescope pointing towards DeKalb and Jefferson. Broadway Lorimer grabbed her electronic pocket map to her house out of her right pocket of her blue denim jeans and clicked “Search For Telescope”. When prompted to choose the floor she was searching for, she, for clearly obvious reasons, entered “Forty Seventh Floor” into the search box. The electronic pocket map then guided Broadway Lorimer and Flushing Shea towards the incredibly miniscule storage room with the teensy tiny window which the telescope peered right out of. Flushing Shea and Broadway Lorimer just barely were able to both fit in the room. Once Flushing Shea and Broadway Lorimer were in the room, Flushing Shea peered through the UltraMax 7500X Telescope to where Jefferson and DeKalb were hanging out. When Flushing Shea spied on the dog and snake’s activities, he was shocked. “Oh no! They’re trying to cross breed!” loudly exclaimed Flushing Shea, startling Broadway Lorimer. The two sprinted into the elevator, got inside of the elevator, and proceeded to press the button that would send the elevator hurtling down to the 1st floor. The elevator then, as expected, proceeded to hurtle down to the 1st floor of the Lorimer residence. As Flushing Shea and Broadway Lorimer exited the elevator, they darted out of the gargantuan front door and down the front steps only to find that their worst nightmare had been confirmed. Jefferson and DeKalb cross breeded. “Uh oh,” said Flushing Shea, “An expert on Pacific Diamondback Rattlesnakes once told me something like this…”
“Flushing: Why can’t DeKalb go outside? Snakes love the outside!
Freeman: If DeKalb leaves into the open world, he could cross breed with other animals, and might end up creating some sort of mutated squirrel with 5 legs or a dog that shoots lazer beams out of its mouth.”
“Well that would never happen,” said Broadway Lorimer,”Dogs can’t shoot lazer beams out of their mouth.” “I do know a place that deals with cross breed pregnancies.” said Flushing Shea. “Where is this place you speak of?” replied Broadway Lorimer. “Canada.” replied Flushing Shea. “Well then I guess we are going on a trip to Canada!” said Broadway Lorimer. “But how in the world we we get to Canada?” responded Flushing Shea. “Do not worry,” responded an extremely calm Broadway Lorimer, “There’s a bridge off of the 172nd floor that leads right there.” So Flushing Shea, Broadway Lorimer, DeKalb, and Jefferson all walked into the mega fast super elevator on the 1st floor. Flushing Shea then pressed the button for the 172nd floor of the Lorimer residence, and the mega fast super elevator began hurtling upwards towards the 172nd floor of the Lorimer residence. Once Flushing Shea, Broadway Lorimer, DeKalb, and Jefferson reached the 172nd floor, they immediately searched for that fabled bridge in the
Lorimer residence which led to Canada. After searching around aimlessly for a total of thirty five minutes and thirty seven seconds, Broadway Lorimer finally stumbled upon the bridge to Canada. The bridge appeared to be several miles long. Flushing Shea stood in front of it flabbergasted.
Chapter 1 of My Attempt at a Novel
I'm going to be posting a novel I tried to write a couple of years back. Keep in mind, I was like 11, so it's not particularly good...
The Strange, Insane, Nonsensical, Silly, Confusing, and Completely Messed Up Life of Flushing Shea
Chapter 1: Snake! A Snake! Ooh, It’s a Snake!
Once upon a time- a long long time ago- actually, not that long ago, but long enough that you wouldn’t remember some obvious facts about the year. How about we go ahead and make the year 2003? Sounds good. Really good. So once upon a 2003, there was a kid named Flushing Shea. In case you are wondering how old he is, Flushing Shea is 12
years old. So once upon a 2003, there was a twelve year old kid named Flushing Shea. Flushing Shea was walking down a very crowded and very busy Manhattan street as he passed by a beauty salon where it appeared two women were arguing. One of the two women punched the other, and then Flushing Shea ran inside to break up the fighting and violence before anyone got seriously injured. As Flushing was inside of the beauty salon, his fellow friends, who were also his classmates, laughed histerically at the fact that their friend, who was a boy, was inside of a beauty salon for seemingly no reason at all. The two friends snapped a quick and easy picture on their cell phones. Flushing Shea, now full of shame, exited through the back of the beauty salon, hopped a few fences, and then finally got to his house- which may have been the only actual house in all of Manhattan. As he attempted to enter through the big door at the front of his house, Flushing Shea realized that not a soul was inside of his house. He pulled a key from his pocket and swiftly unlocked the front door and entered the house- the only one in Manhattan, as I previously mentioned. Flushing walked through the intricate front door to his house and entered his hallway. Once inside the palatial hallway of his mansion of a house, Flushing Shea took a stroll into his futuristic kitchen, filled with machinery unrecgonizeable to the common Manhattanite and also unrecognizeable to the majority of people on this planet that we call Earth. Flushing proceeded to open his stainless steel Kenmore fridge- which his parents had just bought a month or two ago from a Kenmore appliance dealership in Brooklyn- and saw snakes- Pacific Diamondback Rattlesnakes to be exact. Flushing Shea had learned in his science class that the Pacific Diamondback Rattlesnakes could be deadly and that Pacific Diamondbacks Rattlesnakes were found plentifully in appliances- since electricity is well known to be truly made from Pacific Diamondback Rattlesnake eggs, and not by some old dude who was so dumb and decided to fly a kite with his house keys attached to it during a thunderstorm. Flushing Shea also was told in Science class that the Pacific Diamondback Rattlesnakes were venomous and was given the phone number of The Borough of Manhattan’s Pacific Diamondback Rattlesnakes in Refrigerators and Other Kitchen Appliances Prevention, Extermination, and Relocation Task Force Crew (or TBOMPDRIRAOKAPEARTFC, but no one could pronounce that) which was 1234567890 (Don’t laugh. They paid 8.7 million dollars on an eBay auction to get that number for their organization). Flushing Shea grabbed hold of the Pacific Diamondback Rattlesnake by its slimy neck and shoved it into a shopping bag. He called the number of TBOMPDRIRAOKAPEARTFC and reported the situation of a venomous and almost fully grown Pacific Diamondback Rattlesnake being found by Flushing right inside of his brand new Kenmore fridge.
Flushing: Hello, my name is Flushing Shea and I called you guys to report a Pacific Diamondback Rattlesnake related emergency.
Freeman Simpson(The Phone Line’s Operator): Hi, my name is Freeman Simpson, what is your emergency today?
Flushing: Uh, um, I just came home after taking a walk around the neighborhood and no one was here. I think my parents are out at work. When I came into the house, I decided to get a snack. I went to the fridge to get Colby Jack cheese, Vitamin water, and Peanut Butter- which I planned to shove between two hot dog buns- It was the sandwich I invented- I call it the VitaJackButter on Two Hot Dogs Rolls Sandwich. I eat it all the-
Freeman Simpson: Stop talking about the sandwich for God’s sake! Where did the Pacific Diamondback Rattlesnake come into the picture? Was it in the peanut butter or the Vitamin Water or the Colby Jack cheese?
Flushing: (under his breath) Boy, are you retarted.
Freeman: What did you just say to me?
Flushing: Nothing. Why, did you think I called you retarted? Well I didn’t. I know how to respect my elders. I guess you, sir, do not know how to trust your children.
Freeman: Okay, I’m sorry for not trusting you, Flushing, but can you tell me when and where you saw the Pacific Diamondback Rattlesnake? Can you please tell me? Pretty please? Pretty please with a cherry on top?
Flushing: Well, I guess that’s why I called your hotline. OK, I was going to get the peanut butter, but as I grabbed the jar-
Freeman: Then the Pacfic Diamondback Rattlesnake jumped out of the peanut butter, right?
Flushing: (sarcastically) Yes, the Pacific Diamondback Rattlesnake clearly jumped out of the jar of peanut butter and right into my eyes.
Freeman: I knew it! I always guess these things correctly! That always makes me wonder why Harvard didn’t accept me. Harvard’s that school with all the psychics and stuff like that right? But still, in your face! I guessed your predicament!
Flushing: The Pacific Diamondback Rattlesnake wasn’t in the peanut butter jar!
Freeman: But you said-
Flushing: I was being sarcastic! I found the Pacific Diamondback Rattlesnake when I opened the fridge. It was on top of a 6-pack of Bud Light.
Freeman: Why did you get the snake drunk?
Flushing: The Pacific Diamondback Rattlesnake that I found on top of the Bud Light did not drink the Bud Light which it was on top of!
Freeman: Oh. I get it now.
Flushing: Thank God.
Freeman: OK, so I will send a Pacific Diamondback Rattlesnake Extermination Crew right over to your house to kill the Pacific Diamondback Rattlesnake that you stumbled upon. Where should we send the Extermination Crew to?
Flushing: Please don’t kill DeKalb!
Freeman: Who’s DeKalb?
Flushing: DeKalb is the Pacific Diamondback Rattlesnake’s name. I named it.
Freeman: OK, if you are keeping this snake, we need to check on it once a week. Don’t ever let it leave your house. Understand?
Flushing: Why can’t DeKalb go outside? Snakes love the outside!
Freeman: If DeKalb leaves into the open world, he could cross breed with other animals, and might end up creating some sort of mutated squirrel with 5 legs or a dog that shoots lazer beams out of its mouth.
Flushing: Freeman, that doesn’t make any sense.
Freeman: Don’t call me by my first name! You should learn to respect your elders!
Flushing: Freeman, you’re not making any sense.
Flushing preceeded to hang up the phone, not realizing why Freeman kept telling him to respect his elders. “Oh, I know now. It must have something to do with the Da Vinci Code.” said Flushing Shea, “Family Guy does an amazing job making up these fake books to have the characters read in the show. I remember Lois read the book during the 4th season episode Peter’s Got Woods. James Woods also guest starred in that episode. At least I think he did. Maybe I should stop all this rambling, it must make for an awfully boring novel. Thank God I’m not writing this novel. On another note, I really really really have to pee- really bad.” Flushing then darted upstairs to his favorite of the 64 bathrooms in his mansion, opened the door with one swift motion, and then went in. No, I am not describing him peeing. That’s just disgusting. This isn’t a “gross out” novel, this is a humorous novel, and I plan to keep it that way. If you want a gross out novel, then just write it. Flushing then exited the bathroom, prompting me to dart out of his house so he didn’t notice me in his house. Flushing then went into his bedroom- which was 5,000 square feet in area- with DeKalb and proceeded to grab his iPod Touch and his brand new Leather Memory Foam Massaging Pillow. He put his solid gold iPod Touch earbuds into his ears and turned the pillow onto his specific head massaging preference and laid upon it. As he dozed off he set his iPod Touch onto “Shuffle Mode”, where the songs in his playlist (17,856 to be exact) were randomly shuffled and played in that random order. As he dozed off, the song he heard was Joy to the World by Three Dog Night. Flushing walked into his house with DeKalb by his side. Flushing and DeKalb trudged through the snow and past some Christmas carolers. It was Christmas time in Manhattan. The carolers started singing “Joy to the world, all the boys and girls,” as their voices started to become quieter and quieter, eventually fading to silence. “What’s going on?” inquired Flushing Shea. “I think you fell asleep,” stated DeKalb, with an authentic British accent. As Flushing woke up, the song switched. The iPod Touch was at maximum volume. The song that came on after Joy to the World was none other than Move Along by The All American Rejects. Since Move Along is obviously a really loud song, Flushing jumped up in a state of shock, with both of his eyes open as wide as possible. He quickly grabbed the iPod touch from his side and frantically rotated the dial in a counter clockwise direction, successfully lowering the volume. Flushing Shea decided to stop listening to his iPod Touch, after being so horribly frightened by its loudness. Flushing Shea went down to the front hallway with DeKalb in his bag. Flushing then opened his gargantuan front door and exited. He then saw a family move into the house next door to him (Yes, I know there is a continuity error there. Well, I’m breaking the fourth wall. That is even worse.). The family moving in next door was the Lorimers. Nassau Lorimer, age 38, was the mother of the Lorimer family. She worked as an investment agent at JP Morgan Chase Bank on East 84th Street. Graham Lorimer, also age 38, was the father of the Lorimer family. He worked as a television news anchor for ABC News. Flushing Lorimer, age 8, was the stereotypical “annoying little brother”. He went to the Manhattan School for Famous or Wealthy Children, an obviously very prestigous school, along with his sister, Broadway Lorimer, age 13, who was one of the people who would fade into the background sometimes but would randomly pop up in places and times when you least expect it. The last living thing to come out of the moving truck was a dog. “Her name is Jefferson,” said Broadway Lorimer, pointing at the dog. “His name is DeKalb,” responded Flushing Shea, signaling towards his Pacific Diamondback Rattlesnake.
The Strange, Insane, Nonsensical, Silly, Confusing, and Completely Messed Up Life of Flushing Shea
Chapter 1: Snake! A Snake! Ooh, It’s a Snake!
Once upon a time- a long long time ago- actually, not that long ago, but long enough that you wouldn’t remember some obvious facts about the year. How about we go ahead and make the year 2003? Sounds good. Really good. So once upon a 2003, there was a kid named Flushing Shea. In case you are wondering how old he is, Flushing Shea is 12
years old. So once upon a 2003, there was a twelve year old kid named Flushing Shea. Flushing Shea was walking down a very crowded and very busy Manhattan street as he passed by a beauty salon where it appeared two women were arguing. One of the two women punched the other, and then Flushing Shea ran inside to break up the fighting and violence before anyone got seriously injured. As Flushing was inside of the beauty salon, his fellow friends, who were also his classmates, laughed histerically at the fact that their friend, who was a boy, was inside of a beauty salon for seemingly no reason at all. The two friends snapped a quick and easy picture on their cell phones. Flushing Shea, now full of shame, exited through the back of the beauty salon, hopped a few fences, and then finally got to his house- which may have been the only actual house in all of Manhattan. As he attempted to enter through the big door at the front of his house, Flushing Shea realized that not a soul was inside of his house. He pulled a key from his pocket and swiftly unlocked the front door and entered the house- the only one in Manhattan, as I previously mentioned. Flushing walked through the intricate front door to his house and entered his hallway. Once inside the palatial hallway of his mansion of a house, Flushing Shea took a stroll into his futuristic kitchen, filled with machinery unrecgonizeable to the common Manhattanite and also unrecognizeable to the majority of people on this planet that we call Earth. Flushing proceeded to open his stainless steel Kenmore fridge- which his parents had just bought a month or two ago from a Kenmore appliance dealership in Brooklyn- and saw snakes- Pacific Diamondback Rattlesnakes to be exact. Flushing Shea had learned in his science class that the Pacific Diamondback Rattlesnakes could be deadly and that Pacific Diamondbacks Rattlesnakes were found plentifully in appliances- since electricity is well known to be truly made from Pacific Diamondback Rattlesnake eggs, and not by some old dude who was so dumb and decided to fly a kite with his house keys attached to it during a thunderstorm. Flushing Shea also was told in Science class that the Pacific Diamondback Rattlesnakes were venomous and was given the phone number of The Borough of Manhattan’s Pacific Diamondback Rattlesnakes in Refrigerators and Other Kitchen Appliances Prevention, Extermination, and Relocation Task Force Crew (or TBOMPDRIRAOKAPEARTFC, but no one could pronounce that) which was 1234567890 (Don’t laugh. They paid 8.7 million dollars on an eBay auction to get that number for their organization). Flushing Shea grabbed hold of the Pacific Diamondback Rattlesnake by its slimy neck and shoved it into a shopping bag. He called the number of TBOMPDRIRAOKAPEARTFC and reported the situation of a venomous and almost fully grown Pacific Diamondback Rattlesnake being found by Flushing right inside of his brand new Kenmore fridge.
Flushing: Hello, my name is Flushing Shea and I called you guys to report a Pacific Diamondback Rattlesnake related emergency.
Freeman Simpson(The Phone Line’s Operator): Hi, my name is Freeman Simpson, what is your emergency today?
Flushing: Uh, um, I just came home after taking a walk around the neighborhood and no one was here. I think my parents are out at work. When I came into the house, I decided to get a snack. I went to the fridge to get Colby Jack cheese, Vitamin water, and Peanut Butter- which I planned to shove between two hot dog buns- It was the sandwich I invented- I call it the VitaJackButter on Two Hot Dogs Rolls Sandwich. I eat it all the-
Freeman Simpson: Stop talking about the sandwich for God’s sake! Where did the Pacific Diamondback Rattlesnake come into the picture? Was it in the peanut butter or the Vitamin Water or the Colby Jack cheese?
Flushing: (under his breath) Boy, are you retarted.
Freeman: What did you just say to me?
Flushing: Nothing. Why, did you think I called you retarted? Well I didn’t. I know how to respect my elders. I guess you, sir, do not know how to trust your children.
Freeman: Okay, I’m sorry for not trusting you, Flushing, but can you tell me when and where you saw the Pacific Diamondback Rattlesnake? Can you please tell me? Pretty please? Pretty please with a cherry on top?
Flushing: Well, I guess that’s why I called your hotline. OK, I was going to get the peanut butter, but as I grabbed the jar-
Freeman: Then the Pacfic Diamondback Rattlesnake jumped out of the peanut butter, right?
Flushing: (sarcastically) Yes, the Pacific Diamondback Rattlesnake clearly jumped out of the jar of peanut butter and right into my eyes.
Freeman: I knew it! I always guess these things correctly! That always makes me wonder why Harvard didn’t accept me. Harvard’s that school with all the psychics and stuff like that right? But still, in your face! I guessed your predicament!
Flushing: The Pacific Diamondback Rattlesnake wasn’t in the peanut butter jar!
Freeman: But you said-
Flushing: I was being sarcastic! I found the Pacific Diamondback Rattlesnake when I opened the fridge. It was on top of a 6-pack of Bud Light.
Freeman: Why did you get the snake drunk?
Flushing: The Pacific Diamondback Rattlesnake that I found on top of the Bud Light did not drink the Bud Light which it was on top of!
Freeman: Oh. I get it now.
Flushing: Thank God.
Freeman: OK, so I will send a Pacific Diamondback Rattlesnake Extermination Crew right over to your house to kill the Pacific Diamondback Rattlesnake that you stumbled upon. Where should we send the Extermination Crew to?
Flushing: Please don’t kill DeKalb!
Freeman: Who’s DeKalb?
Flushing: DeKalb is the Pacific Diamondback Rattlesnake’s name. I named it.
Freeman: OK, if you are keeping this snake, we need to check on it once a week. Don’t ever let it leave your house. Understand?
Flushing: Why can’t DeKalb go outside? Snakes love the outside!
Freeman: If DeKalb leaves into the open world, he could cross breed with other animals, and might end up creating some sort of mutated squirrel with 5 legs or a dog that shoots lazer beams out of its mouth.
Flushing: Freeman, that doesn’t make any sense.
Freeman: Don’t call me by my first name! You should learn to respect your elders!
Flushing: Freeman, you’re not making any sense.
Flushing preceeded to hang up the phone, not realizing why Freeman kept telling him to respect his elders. “Oh, I know now. It must have something to do with the Da Vinci Code.” said Flushing Shea, “Family Guy does an amazing job making up these fake books to have the characters read in the show. I remember Lois read the book during the 4th season episode Peter’s Got Woods. James Woods also guest starred in that episode. At least I think he did. Maybe I should stop all this rambling, it must make for an awfully boring novel. Thank God I’m not writing this novel. On another note, I really really really have to pee- really bad.” Flushing then darted upstairs to his favorite of the 64 bathrooms in his mansion, opened the door with one swift motion, and then went in. No, I am not describing him peeing. That’s just disgusting. This isn’t a “gross out” novel, this is a humorous novel, and I plan to keep it that way. If you want a gross out novel, then just write it. Flushing then exited the bathroom, prompting me to dart out of his house so he didn’t notice me in his house. Flushing then went into his bedroom- which was 5,000 square feet in area- with DeKalb and proceeded to grab his iPod Touch and his brand new Leather Memory Foam Massaging Pillow. He put his solid gold iPod Touch earbuds into his ears and turned the pillow onto his specific head massaging preference and laid upon it. As he dozed off he set his iPod Touch onto “Shuffle Mode”, where the songs in his playlist (17,856 to be exact) were randomly shuffled and played in that random order. As he dozed off, the song he heard was Joy to the World by Three Dog Night. Flushing walked into his house with DeKalb by his side. Flushing and DeKalb trudged through the snow and past some Christmas carolers. It was Christmas time in Manhattan. The carolers started singing “Joy to the world, all the boys and girls,” as their voices started to become quieter and quieter, eventually fading to silence. “What’s going on?” inquired Flushing Shea. “I think you fell asleep,” stated DeKalb, with an authentic British accent. As Flushing woke up, the song switched. The iPod Touch was at maximum volume. The song that came on after Joy to the World was none other than Move Along by The All American Rejects. Since Move Along is obviously a really loud song, Flushing jumped up in a state of shock, with both of his eyes open as wide as possible. He quickly grabbed the iPod touch from his side and frantically rotated the dial in a counter clockwise direction, successfully lowering the volume. Flushing Shea decided to stop listening to his iPod Touch, after being so horribly frightened by its loudness. Flushing Shea went down to the front hallway with DeKalb in his bag. Flushing then opened his gargantuan front door and exited. He then saw a family move into the house next door to him (Yes, I know there is a continuity error there. Well, I’m breaking the fourth wall. That is even worse.). The family moving in next door was the Lorimers. Nassau Lorimer, age 38, was the mother of the Lorimer family. She worked as an investment agent at JP Morgan Chase Bank on East 84th Street. Graham Lorimer, also age 38, was the father of the Lorimer family. He worked as a television news anchor for ABC News. Flushing Lorimer, age 8, was the stereotypical “annoying little brother”. He went to the Manhattan School for Famous or Wealthy Children, an obviously very prestigous school, along with his sister, Broadway Lorimer, age 13, who was one of the people who would fade into the background sometimes but would randomly pop up in places and times when you least expect it. The last living thing to come out of the moving truck was a dog. “Her name is Jefferson,” said Broadway Lorimer, pointing at the dog. “His name is DeKalb,” responded Flushing Shea, signaling towards his Pacific Diamondback Rattlesnake.
The American Dream (Short Story)
I wrote this on a message board a while ago. Not exactly my best stuff.
http://forum.sportsmogul.com/showthread.php?t=161756
The American Dream
Some say the American dream is owning a business. Some say it is fighting in the armed forces. Some say it is raising a family. But Bob knew his version of the American dream was to play baseball. As a pre-pubertal ten year old, he planned a life full of pipe dreams. As he aged, the dreams of other kids his age got more realistic, some said doctor, some said stock broker, some said business owner, but Bob still said he was going to play Major League Baseball one day. He played on his local Little League team, but was not exactly an all star. He often rode the bench, watching his team win and celebrate without him. But, even through all of this discouragement, Bob said that he would play Major League Baseball. So he practiced and practiced and practiced. He went to big league games to see how he could be like the MLB players. And he always idolized one player- Steve Nicklas- who was a perrenial bench warmer, just like Bob. He strived to be like Steve and told himself that he could do anything he set his mind to. He worked and worked and worked harder, pushing himself past his limit. On one sunny Saturday afternoon, though, he took it too far. He started drills at 5 AM and did not stop. At 5 PM, he finally collapsed from exhaustion, and was brought to the hospital. During a routine blood test, the doctors saw something terrible. Bob was found to have brain cancer. He was only expected to live 6 more months. His family was in tears, unable to cope with the fact that their special little boy was going to be gone so soon. Bob wanted to keep playing, but the doctors would not allow him to leave the hospital. He was destined to end his life with a void where baseball had once occupied. But one day, Bob had a special visitor. It was Steve Nicklas. Bob was ecstatic, shaking and jumping around erratically. Steve put his arm on Bob's shoulder to calm him down and led him outside, without the knowledge of the doctors, towards the ballfield in the park across the street from the hospital. He played with Bob until the wee hours of the morning, when the police sent them away from the park. Steve taught Bob everything he knew and Bob picked it all up. Bob went back to his hospital bed, but Steve begged the GM of his team to give this boy one chance to live out his dream. The GM obliged, signing the boy to a one-day contract. Steve went back to Bob's hospital room, excited to tell the young boy that he will get to be a big leaguer- like he always dreamed. As he opened the door, he saw the doctor put the blanket over Bob's cold, dead face. Steve shouted out, in a mix of anger and mourning, not understanding why he had left at such a young age, and ran towards the bathroom of the hospital room. On the mirror, he found a note written by Bob:
Steve, it's almost over for me. I have no more time. But please remember, take every moment as it comes to you. And live out your dreams while you can. Please don't feel sorry for me. I lived out my dream. I played baseball with the nicest person I have ever met. Thank you for comforting me in my final hours.
Sincerely,
Bob
Steve gripped the Post-it Note off the mirror and read it with one eye, with the other rested inside of a Kleenex. The words were fuzzy, but he understood the message. He took the note home with him, and still has it on his mantle. And as for the contract, it rests on the mantle of the home of Bob's family- right next to Bob's picture and the words "Carpe diem. Sieze the day". Bob was put to rest wearing the jersey that was made for what was supposed to be his big day, and the whole team showed up at the funeral, with Mr. Steve Nicklas reading the eulogy.
http://forum.sportsmogul.com/showthread.php?t=161756
The American Dream
Some say the American dream is owning a business. Some say it is fighting in the armed forces. Some say it is raising a family. But Bob knew his version of the American dream was to play baseball. As a pre-pubertal ten year old, he planned a life full of pipe dreams. As he aged, the dreams of other kids his age got more realistic, some said doctor, some said stock broker, some said business owner, but Bob still said he was going to play Major League Baseball one day. He played on his local Little League team, but was not exactly an all star. He often rode the bench, watching his team win and celebrate without him. But, even through all of this discouragement, Bob said that he would play Major League Baseball. So he practiced and practiced and practiced. He went to big league games to see how he could be like the MLB players. And he always idolized one player- Steve Nicklas- who was a perrenial bench warmer, just like Bob. He strived to be like Steve and told himself that he could do anything he set his mind to. He worked and worked and worked harder, pushing himself past his limit. On one sunny Saturday afternoon, though, he took it too far. He started drills at 5 AM and did not stop. At 5 PM, he finally collapsed from exhaustion, and was brought to the hospital. During a routine blood test, the doctors saw something terrible. Bob was found to have brain cancer. He was only expected to live 6 more months. His family was in tears, unable to cope with the fact that their special little boy was going to be gone so soon. Bob wanted to keep playing, but the doctors would not allow him to leave the hospital. He was destined to end his life with a void where baseball had once occupied. But one day, Bob had a special visitor. It was Steve Nicklas. Bob was ecstatic, shaking and jumping around erratically. Steve put his arm on Bob's shoulder to calm him down and led him outside, without the knowledge of the doctors, towards the ballfield in the park across the street from the hospital. He played with Bob until the wee hours of the morning, when the police sent them away from the park. Steve taught Bob everything he knew and Bob picked it all up. Bob went back to his hospital bed, but Steve begged the GM of his team to give this boy one chance to live out his dream. The GM obliged, signing the boy to a one-day contract. Steve went back to Bob's hospital room, excited to tell the young boy that he will get to be a big leaguer- like he always dreamed. As he opened the door, he saw the doctor put the blanket over Bob's cold, dead face. Steve shouted out, in a mix of anger and mourning, not understanding why he had left at such a young age, and ran towards the bathroom of the hospital room. On the mirror, he found a note written by Bob:
Steve, it's almost over for me. I have no more time. But please remember, take every moment as it comes to you. And live out your dreams while you can. Please don't feel sorry for me. I lived out my dream. I played baseball with the nicest person I have ever met. Thank you for comforting me in my final hours.
Sincerely,
Bob
Steve gripped the Post-it Note off the mirror and read it with one eye, with the other rested inside of a Kleenex. The words were fuzzy, but he understood the message. He took the note home with him, and still has it on his mantle. And as for the contract, it rests on the mantle of the home of Bob's family- right next to Bob's picture and the words "Carpe diem. Sieze the day". Bob was put to rest wearing the jersey that was made for what was supposed to be his big day, and the whole team showed up at the funeral, with Mr. Steve Nicklas reading the eulogy.
The Five Stages of Signing Tim Redding
http://bleacherreport.com/articles/110248-the-five-stages-of-signing-tim-redding
As you may have heard, the Mets recently signed starting pitcher Tim Redding. I went through quite a complex series of (mostly negative) emotions about Mr. Redding joining the Mets.
Therefore, I present to you The Five Stages of Signing Tim Redding (and my thoughts during each stage I went through).
The first stage was denial. "There's no way these rumors will come true," I told myself, "they'll sign Derek Lowe and Oliver Perez, we all know that. They would never go for someone like Tim Redding, he's not good at all."
The second stage was anger. As you can probably imagine, this stage involved many, let's say, "choice words," words that I'd probably be best off not writing (things like "Who the... fork would sign Tim Redding?" and "That son of a.... female dog signed Redding when he could've gotten Perez to fill up that back of the rotation spot!")
The third stage was bargaining. "Well, Tim Redding could have a decent season," I was saying to myself, "and he's only a fifth starter—so I guess he's not too bad for a back of the rotation pitcher."
The fourth stage was depression. "Aw, who am I kidding," I said, "Redding is awful. I shouldn't even watch the Mets anymore, they'll do terrible with this guy on their team next year. He's an awful pitcher."
The final stage was acceptance. "You know what?" I said, "Tim Redding is a decent pitcher. He's a back of the rotation pitcher anyway. Why am I making such a big deal out of this? He's a Met, and like it or not, there's nothing I can do about it."
As you may have heard, the Mets recently signed starting pitcher Tim Redding. I went through quite a complex series of (mostly negative) emotions about Mr. Redding joining the Mets.
Therefore, I present to you The Five Stages of Signing Tim Redding (and my thoughts during each stage I went through).
The first stage was denial. "There's no way these rumors will come true," I told myself, "they'll sign Derek Lowe and Oliver Perez, we all know that. They would never go for someone like Tim Redding, he's not good at all."
The second stage was anger. As you can probably imagine, this stage involved many, let's say, "choice words," words that I'd probably be best off not writing (things like "Who the... fork would sign Tim Redding?" and "That son of a.... female dog signed Redding when he could've gotten Perez to fill up that back of the rotation spot!")
The third stage was bargaining. "Well, Tim Redding could have a decent season," I was saying to myself, "and he's only a fifth starter—so I guess he's not too bad for a back of the rotation pitcher."
The fourth stage was depression. "Aw, who am I kidding," I said, "Redding is awful. I shouldn't even watch the Mets anymore, they'll do terrible with this guy on their team next year. He's an awful pitcher."
The final stage was acceptance. "You know what?" I said, "Tim Redding is a decent pitcher. He's a back of the rotation pitcher anyway. Why am I making such a big deal out of this? He's a Met, and like it or not, there's nothing I can do about it."
Who I'd Vote For: My 2009 Hall of Fame Ballot
http://bleacherreport.com/articles/109491-who-id-vote-for-my-2009-hall-of-fame-ballot
Well, here goes nothing. It's my first article, so I'll start with an easy topic, my Hall of Fame ballot. So, without further ado, here are my 2009 choices for the Baseball Hall of Fame:
Rickey Henderson
All time leader in stolen bases and in runs. Almost 300 HR and a .401 career OBP. Need I say more?
Bert Blyleven
It's really a shame that Blyleven not reaching a nice round number of wins may keep him out of the Hall of Fame. He was a truly great pitcher, 5th all time in career strikeouts and a 3.31 career ERA. He pitched consistently for 22 seasons. He is 14th all time in career innings pitched. He was truly a great pitcher, and he belongs in the Hall of Fame.
Andre Dawson
Dawson was a great hitter. Like Henderson and Blyleven, he played into his 40s. He was a mix of great power and great speed, hitting over 400 HR and stealing over 300 bases. He managed to win an MVP with the last-place 1987 Cubs, with a monster 49 HR season. He also had particularly good fielding, winning eight career Gold Glove awards. His Rookie of the Year award and eight All Star selections seal the deal.
Jim Rice
This is Rice's final year of Hall eligibility, and, frankly, he should've been in a while ago. He's not quite as obvious of a selection as the media seems to make him out to be, but his nearly 400 HR, his career AVG of nearly .300, and his above average career on-base percentage make him definitely deserving of this honor.
Tim Raines
There's an outfielders party in Cooperstown this year, and I'm inviting Tim Raines too. First off, the guy was amazing on the basepaths. Over 800 career steals. He was an above average career hitter (.294 career AVG, 170 career HR) and he was an good fielder. He also made seven career All Star Games and even snuck a Silver Slugger Award in there.
Alan Trammell
Alan Trammell was just great at everything. 185 career HR, a .285 career AVG, over 200 career steals, and great fielding. Three Silver Slugger awards, four Gold Glove awards, six All Star Games, one great career.
Lee Smith
Lee Smith is an interesting case. He fares well in some of the media's favorite statistics (such as being third all-time in SV, and having a career ERA just over 3), but has not managed to be elected, even though fellow closers Bruce Sutter and Goose Gossage have both been inducted into the Hall in recent years.
Lee Smith should be inducted into the Hall of Fame. He finished among the league leaders in Saves for 14 consecutive seasons from 1982-1995, and is now 3rd all time in career saves (he was first when he retired, though). His career ERA is just over 3. Delving even further into the stats helps Smith's case even more. His K:BB ratio is nearly 3:1 in his career.
His ERA was better then the league ERA in every season of his career but his last. He made 10 All Star Games and finished in the top 10 in Cy Young voting four times and received an MVP vote in four seasons. He was a truly great closer and deserves the ultimate honor of Hall of Fame induction.
Well, here goes nothing. It's my first article, so I'll start with an easy topic, my Hall of Fame ballot. So, without further ado, here are my 2009 choices for the Baseball Hall of Fame:
Rickey Henderson
All time leader in stolen bases and in runs. Almost 300 HR and a .401 career OBP. Need I say more?
Bert Blyleven
It's really a shame that Blyleven not reaching a nice round number of wins may keep him out of the Hall of Fame. He was a truly great pitcher, 5th all time in career strikeouts and a 3.31 career ERA. He pitched consistently for 22 seasons. He is 14th all time in career innings pitched. He was truly a great pitcher, and he belongs in the Hall of Fame.
Andre Dawson
Dawson was a great hitter. Like Henderson and Blyleven, he played into his 40s. He was a mix of great power and great speed, hitting over 400 HR and stealing over 300 bases. He managed to win an MVP with the last-place 1987 Cubs, with a monster 49 HR season. He also had particularly good fielding, winning eight career Gold Glove awards. His Rookie of the Year award and eight All Star selections seal the deal.
Jim Rice
This is Rice's final year of Hall eligibility, and, frankly, he should've been in a while ago. He's not quite as obvious of a selection as the media seems to make him out to be, but his nearly 400 HR, his career AVG of nearly .300, and his above average career on-base percentage make him definitely deserving of this honor.
Tim Raines
There's an outfielders party in Cooperstown this year, and I'm inviting Tim Raines too. First off, the guy was amazing on the basepaths. Over 800 career steals. He was an above average career hitter (.294 career AVG, 170 career HR) and he was an good fielder. He also made seven career All Star Games and even snuck a Silver Slugger Award in there.
Alan Trammell
Alan Trammell was just great at everything. 185 career HR, a .285 career AVG, over 200 career steals, and great fielding. Three Silver Slugger awards, four Gold Glove awards, six All Star Games, one great career.
Lee Smith
Lee Smith is an interesting case. He fares well in some of the media's favorite statistics (such as being third all-time in SV, and having a career ERA just over 3), but has not managed to be elected, even though fellow closers Bruce Sutter and Goose Gossage have both been inducted into the Hall in recent years.
Lee Smith should be inducted into the Hall of Fame. He finished among the league leaders in Saves for 14 consecutive seasons from 1982-1995, and is now 3rd all time in career saves (he was first when he retired, though). His career ERA is just over 3. Delving even further into the stats helps Smith's case even more. His K:BB ratio is nearly 3:1 in his career.
His ERA was better then the league ERA in every season of his career but his last. He made 10 All Star Games and finished in the top 10 in Cy Young voting four times and received an MVP vote in four seasons. He was a truly great closer and deserves the ultimate honor of Hall of Fame induction.
Subscribe to:
Comments (Atom)
